


Truly, Deeply, Madly

by TwinkWalker



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Body Dysphoria, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mpreg, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Smut, Trans Male Pregnancy, Trans Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Transphobia, Unplanned Pregnancy, but not in a kink way, medical scares, no miscarriage, questionable medical accuracy, they're gay and sappy and in love, tmpreg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:06:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29528916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwinkWalker/pseuds/TwinkWalker
Summary: Nicolò is not only content but happy in his life. He and Joe only seem to grow closer every day, their friends are all amazing and supportive, the family they keep is loving and wonderful. Things are good... until Nicky starts to feel sick. With each passing day, Nicky sees no improvement, only seeming to get sicker and sicker. He prays it isn't his hormones or something worse, but the answer they receive is not only surprising but terrifying and exciting.Please see chapter notes for specific warnings as needed. Updated regularly.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 63
Kudos: 108





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is self-indulgent for two reasons; 1) I need more Trans!Nicky content and 2) Joe and Nicky with children being the sappiest, dorkiest dads gives me serotonin. 
> 
> I did my best to be as respectful on all fronts of this fic, but please do not hesitate to let me know if I've overstepped. For the dysphoria, I drew inspiration from my own as a baseline. Also, this fic was originally only going to be a handful of chapters, but it's a particularly long fic and will be updated as regularly as possible. 
> 
> Formatting notes; Any time a word is both bolded and italicized the word is being spoken in either Italian or Arabic. I did not want to try to butcher either language, particularly Arabic, or use Google Translate to prevent mistranslations.
> 
> Last, this fic was inspired by a pair I wrote first that’s very similar but set after they’d met in the crusades (no immortality au) so if you’re interested in reading that let me know!

“You’re gorgeous Yusuf.” Nicky trails his mouth along the flushed, beautiful brown skin beneath him. 

“Nicky...” his voice is a low, thick whine. Nicky enjoys every kiss, every touch, every moan they share. Tonight he’s taking him apart bit by bit, looking for every moan and breath Joe can give him. 

“Tell me what you want, tesoro.” Teeth tenderly bite at one of Joe’s nipples and Nicky smiles at the reaction as Joe’s breath catches and his body tenses. 

“Make love to me. Please.” Joe’s breathless as he grips at the bindings on his wrists. Nicky worries for a moment that Joe would break their headboard with how hard he was pulling on it. It excites him. 

“I thought you’d never ask.” It doesn’t take him long to slip into the harness and fasten the toy to the belt. However, he takes his time returning to Joe, making a teasingly slow show for his husband who already had his legs open and ready. He settled between his husband's toned and beautiful thighs and helped adjust him to be in just the right position. Finally, he poured the lube onto his index finger and teased Joe with a gentle rub. Joe’s hips bucked as he gasped.

“Nicky... Nicky, please.” Joe moans. Begs. With an exaggerated smirk, Nicky carefully works his finger in and begins massaging. “Nicky!”

**_“I’m here, my love. I’m here.”_ ** Nicky whispers in Italian into the sensitive skin of Joe’s thigh. Goosebumps form down Joe’s body and Nicky splays a large hand across the soft skin of Joe’s hip. He massages gently, always careful and slow as he works his husband open if not just for the moans and faces. 

“More. Please, more.” 

“Are you sure?” his tone was teasing as Nicky kisses the inside of Joe’s thighs. 

“Nicky please.” 

Heat pools in Nicky’s belly as he watches his husband whine and plead. He applies more lube and, ever so teasingly gentle, slips another finger in. Joe clenches down and his breath catches in his throat. 

“Is this OK?” Nicky doesn’t tease this time. He never wants to push Joe too far or too fast. 

“S-So good. P-Please.” With a sigh of relief, Nicky massages deeper. His hands work with skill, pressing every spot just right. Eliciting this moan when he presses here and that one low moan that rumbles when he presses there. He continues this pattern until Joe’s hips begin to twitch.

“N-Nicky I’m-I’m ready. Please.” 

“Are you sure, amore?” He still wasn’t teasing. The toy wasn’t particularly thick, not like Joe. It was relatively thin and so soft, but it would still be a jump. 

“Very.” he pants, rocking his hips on Nicky’s still fingers. Nicky can only smile and kiss that one spot on Joe’s thigh that makes him gasp. Then Joe groans at the emptiness when Nicky removes his fingers.

**_“Patience, darling._ **” Nicky’s voice is thick and sweet as he teases his husband in Arabic. Joe watches with wide lustful eyes as Nicky strokes the toy with lube. More heat pools at the sight of Joe looking at him with pleading eyes, his legs open and waiting for him. He crawls slowly up to Joe, hovering face to face as he lines up with Joe’s entrance. When they’re face to face, forehead to forehead, Nicky guides the toy in and Joe throws his head back with a silent gasp. 

“Are you-” Joe was already nodding as Nicky asked. He began to pick up a slow rhythm as Joe gasped at each thrust. The muscles in Joe’s arms were tense and his skin glistened with sweat. “You’re so beautiful like this, Yusuf. So gorgeous.”

“Nicolo! Ah!” Joe was getting there quickly tonight and Nicky slowed down. He wanted to drag this out as long as he could. 

“Not yet, Yusuf.” 

“N-Nicolo, please.” He kept his thrusts slow and deep and felt the wetness between his legs grow while Joe came undone. Joe’s length was twitching and Nicky was hungry.

**_“What do you want, tesoro?_** ” Nicky presses Joe’s thighs open farther and rolls his hips. 

**_“Ah! Y-you. I want to feel you.”_ ** Joe gasped in Arabic. _Thank God._ Nicky was so turned on and ready himself, that it was almost uncomfortable. He quickly undoes the belt but leaves the toy knowing Joe likes the fullness. Joe’s pecs are soft and steady as Nicky grips them to settle onto Joe. They both moan at the feeling, Nicky swirling his hips on into the fullness from his husband. 

“Yusuf!” Joe pulls at his restraints uncomfortably and Nicky knows. Quickly he undoes the restraints and Joe’s hands are immediately gripping Nicky’s hips. Joe and Nicky find their rhythm quickly but Nicky can’t stop teasing, edging his husband until he thinks Joe may explode. 

“Nicolo, please. Please.”

“If y-you Ah! must.” Nicky smirks, trying to hang on himself. Joe thrusts up deeper into Nicky harder and desperate. The heat releases in Nicky with a shout as he grips Joe’s chest. Joe is right behind him, his own fingers digging into Nicky’s hips as they twitch and shiver in the aftershocks. 

Nicky finally finds breath again and takes in the sight of Joe beneath him. He’s blissed-out, eyes blinking lazily, and blushed from forehead to chest. 

“Amore, you were so good. So good.” Nicky kisses along Joe’s neck and jaw. Joe’s hands tangle into Nicky’s hair and pull him into a lazy kiss. Reluctantly Nicky climbs off of Joe and begins to clean his husband up. 

“Y-you don’t have to do that.” Joe pants as he sits up on his elbows. 

“I want to.” Nicky’s voice is thick and low and Joe swallows at the lopsided smile Nicky gives him. 

Eventually, they’re clean and Nicky settles back in bed and pulls Joe to his chest. They curl into each other, blissed and content. 

**_“Happy anniversary, my love.”_ ** Nicky whispers into Joe’s head. 

**_“And to many, many more.”_ ** Joe smiles as he kisses the soft skin of Nicky’s collarbone.


	2. 7 Weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicky has no idea what's wrong with him. The longer he's sick the less he can pretend it'll just go away. Worst Case Scenarios build in their minds and Nicky finally sees his doctor. The answer is not what they expected and their world is turned upside down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Gender dysphoria, body dysphoria, brief homophobia, anxiety attack
> 
> Sadly no sex though. Just emotions.

“Nicky. Nicolò, habibi, you’re going to be late.”

Nicky groans. He’s so fucking tired he could sleep for a week. But life doesn’t stop because he’s tired. Most days, he’s a light sleeper with Joe being the one needing encouragement to get out of bed, but lately, their roles seemed reversed. With a big yawn, he pushes himself up and swings his legs off of the side of the bed. He stretches as big as he can and a gentle, scratchy kiss lands on his cheek as he finally opens his eyes. 

“Grazie amore.” he hums before forcing himself up from the bed. He checks his phone and, indeed, he’s going to be late if he wastes any more time. Through heavy-lidded eyes, Nicky rushes to get ready. He doesn’t bother to shave, but he does notice the dark circles under his eyes and makes a face. 

He’d fallen asleep on the couch the previous night, head buried in Joe’s chest before they’d even finished an episode of the Mandalorian. Nicky had woken up to Joe’s gentle voice then too, urging him to come to bed. Joe’s been worried about him and with good reason. For weeks now he’s been dragging his feet, his exhaustion only increasing, his appetite was all but nonexistent, and he’d been getting awful bouts of nausea and heartburn. They were both active people, usually going on a run at the end of the day, but lately, Nicky had been unable to work up the strength to even go on a walk. 

He feels Joe’s concerned gaze on his back this morning as he puts his binder on and tries to push his own anxiety down. They’d been together 8 years now and had learned all the other’s subtleties, their tells, their quirks. They knew better than to try to protect the other from their fears or feelings, but Nicky still feels inclined to put on a brave face today. 

“Joe, I can feel your eyes burning holes into my skin.” Nicky buttons up his shirt and gives his husband a look of faux annoyance with a smirk. Joe gives him a small smile and sighs. 

“I’m worried about you,” he says as he comes to stand behind Nicky, wrapping his arms around his husband's waist. Nicky gives a contented sigh and leans back into Joe’s hold. Joe’s arms are strong and solid and always make Nicky feel untouchable. “Please call your doctor. For my sake.”

“I will.” 

“Today?”

“Today.” Joe seems satisfied with the answer and presses a kiss into his husband’s neck. Nicky gives a small sigh, wanting nothing more than to stay in bed with Joe and trade lazy kisses and soft touches. But he’s already running late. 

——

Nicky yawns as he swipes his badge to the staff entrance of the museum. He has a mountain of work to do in the archives today and is desperate to wake up. 

“Morning Nicky.” Nile greets him as she walks up to his side. Her smile is always comforting and he falls in stride with her on the way to their desks. 

“Good morning, Nile.” He smiles. His smiles were rarely big, not like Joe’s or Nile’s. His are small and gentle and sometimes shy. The only times he really smiles fully, teeth and all, was usually from something Joe had said or when all their friends were together. A full-body smile was a rare thing from him and all of his friends knew it. But they also knew his small smiles. Like when he was putting on a front or pretending he didn’t feel like shit. Like this morning’s smile to Nile. 

“Late night?” She probes, watching him from the corner of her eye. Nicky shakes his head and sighs. 

“No, just tired today.” He knows Nile has something to say. Joe isn’t the only one who’s noticed his change in behavior. 

“You’ve been tired a lot lately.”

“Yes, I have.” He doesn’t mean to sound defensive, but he’s too tired to be anything else right now. 

“Ok, if you need anything let me know.” She says with a kind smile and Nicky immediately feels guilty. He just nods and moves to his desk trying to focus on his tasks at hand. 

——

It was 3 pm by the time he remembers. Calling the doctor's office is always a nightmare for him. Half the time the office staff can’t understand his accent and he gets so flustered trying to get what he needs that it’s become a source of anxiety. Today, however, God seems to be smiling on him and they’re even able to get him in the next day. They’d run blood tests, ask questions, etc and figure out what was wrong. He just prays it’s something simple. 

By the time he gets off work, he’s dead on his feet, nauseous and exhausted. He walks out of the museum with Nile and exchanges goodbyes, just trying to make it to his car. When he sits down in the warm seat of his car he feels a cold sweat break out and squeezes his eyes shut, trying to focus on his breathing. A knock at the car window makes him jump. 

“Nicky? Are you OK?” He opens his eyes to see his boss, Andy, peering in with concern. He opens the door and, as soon as he does, nausea overtakes him. There isn’t much in Nicky’s stomach, but what there is, burns his esophagus. Once he’s finished, he sits back in his seat and tries to breathe, red from embarrassment. “I’ll take that as a no.”

“Sorry, boss. I-I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” 

“Do you think you can make it home?” Andy doesn’t seem to be bothered by the sick she was near, only focusing on Nicky and his well-being. 

“Yeah. I can.” He nods, giving her a gentle smile. 

“Text me when you’re home. And take tomorrow off, OK?” She gives him a little smile as he nods. He turns on the car and focuses on getting home; on getting back to Joe, and a shower, and their bed. 

——

He pulls into the parking garage of his building and lets out a breath he feels like he's been holding for the last 30 minutes. Nicky cuts the engine and rests his head against his steering wheel, thanking God he got home in one piece. It’s not long after that he’s startled by another knock on his window. 

“Nicky, are you OK?” He turns to see Joe, his sweet, beautiful, comforting Joe staring at him with eyes full of concern. Nicky opens the door and carefully puts his legs out. He goes to speak but nausea warns him against it. Instead, he shakes his head no and sticks his hands out for Joe’s assistance. Joe takes his hands immediately and helps his husband to his feet. 

“Hayati, what’s wrong?” Nicky feels gross and sweaty and he’s sure that he smells, but Joe doesn’t back away when he presses his face into the crook of Joe’s neck and starts crying quietly. He’s so overwhelmed and so tired and he’s scared. They stand there for a few minutes, Joe rubbing Nicky’s back letting him cry before Joe speaks again. “Let’s go upstairs and get you some rest.”

All Nicky can do is nod. He gathers his things from the car with Joe’s help and heads up to their apartment. A vague memory of Andy pops into his head as they enter. Their cat Lila is already at the door chirping, demanding attention from them. 

“Did Andy call you?” Andy was a close friend too and acted as a surrogate mother when needed same as her wife, Quynh

“She called me as soon as she got in her car.” Joe herds Nicky towards their bathroom gingerly, a hand carefully resting on his lower back. Nicky loves Joe’s touches. There’s always meaning behind each one and they make him feel safe. His favorite being this. When Joe touches his lower back. Something about it feels intimate and safe and comforting and it’s exactly what he needs. 

“I need to tell her I got home.” He mumbles, sitting down on the edge of the bathtub. Joe crouches down in front of him, pushing sweaty hair from Nicky’s forehead. 

“I texted her the minute I saw your car,” _Thank you God for my Joe._ “Here, why don’t you take a bath. I’ll bring you tea?”

“I would prefer a shower and then just sitting with you.” Lila rubs at Nicky’s legs, purring like a lawnmower and he smiles at her and finally begins scratching her head. 

“Are you able to stand for a shower?” Joe’s eyes are still filled with concern and it breaks Nicky’s heart. Nicky nods and places a gentle hand on his husband’s cheek. 

“What did I do to deserve you?” Joe gives him a sympathetic smile and carefully brings Nicky’s hand to his lips. 

“I ask the same question about you every day.” Nicky feels tears forming again and does his best to blink them away. Joe kisses his forehead and reluctantly leaves Nicky to his shower. 

It’s a slow process taking off his clothes from the day. Moving too fast brings on too much nausea and removing his binder is always a complicated part of his day and not just because it’s tight. Nicky has always been tall and broad-shouldered, but he was not small chested. They’ve been saving up for Nicky to get top surgery, but it requires so much time off for both him and Joe that it always feels like too much of a burden. Joe always insists it will never be a burden and that he’ll be there whenever Nicky is ready. _Maybe I’m just not ready,_ he’d said to his therapist one day. His body is always something he’s felt strange in. One of his earliest memories was looking in the mirror and not understanding why he looked the way he did. Joe, however, worships his body whenever he can, loving it because it's Nicky’s. He’s been with Nicky since before his transition and had encouraged and supported him the whole way through. Something he’d never expected. Now at 29, he’s more at peace with himself, with who he is and what his body looks like, but there were still moments. Still days when he looks at his body and feels strange and today is one of those moments. His chest is tender and sensitive and he finds he can’t look directly at himself. 

Pushing his feelings aside, he focuses on showering. On scrubbing the day away. His body is tired and stiff but the steam of the shower works wonders on his muscles, easing some of the tension he’s been carrying all day. By the time he steps out of the shower he already feels 10 times better. He towels off and dons his obscenely soft robe, but then he brushes his teeth and has to confront himself in the mirror. He has deep dark circles, accentuating his already deep-set eyes, 3 days’ worth of stubble spread across his face, and he’s pale Paler than normal. With his robe on he can almost forget about his body; how it hurts, how foreign it feels. Almost. 

When he finally leaves the bathroom he’s greeted by the smell of ginger tea and the sight of Joe futzing around in the kitchen. 

“How do you feel?” Joe turns and Nicky feels heat rise in his stomach. Joe has unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of his shirt and has rolled the sleeves up above his elbows, showing off his forearms. If he didn’t feel so sick he’d jump Joe right now. Nicky just gives him a soft smile and sits down on the couch. There is nothing worse right now than being both very sick and very horny.

“Better. I think I need to rest.” 

“That I can agree with,” Joe says, bringing his husband a steaming mug of tea. He sits beside Nicky and begins carding a hand through the man’s wet hair. “Did you call your doctor?”

“Mhmm,” Nicky sighs, leaning into Joe’s touch. “By some luck, they could see me tomorrow.” 

“Good. I’ll take you. You shouldn’t be driving.” 

“No, Joe. You have work.”

“I can miss a day. That’s what substitutes are for,” Joe kisses Nicky’s forehead and moves to pull his husband closer to his side. Nicky doesn’t fight it but lets out a frustrated huff. “You’d do the same for me.”

All Nicky can do is nod. He’s stubborn to a fault, but right now he’s too tired to fight him. And too nervous. They spend the early evening curled up on the couch with Netflix playing ambiently in the background. Joe tries to get Nicky to eat something, anything bland or easy on his stomach, but the thought of food makes Nicky’s stomach twirl and he insists that tea is enough. Nicky can feel how worried Joe is, how tense he is under the surface. Nicky holds his hand, rubbing circles at the soft skin with his thumb, trying to comfort his husband at least a little. 

Eventually, Nicky can’t keep his eyes open any longer and when they move to their bed Nicky falls in with a heavy flop, the exhaustion deep in his bones. Any other night he’d lay on his side, back pressed to Joe’s chest, but tonight he needs to hold Joe close to his own chest; to feel Joe’s heartbeat next to his skin.

Joe can wax poetic about his love for Nicky all day, and Nicky loves every moment and word. Nicky shows his love through acts, not always able to convey the depths of his feelings through words. He cooks Joe’s favorite foods when he’s sick, he wipes away the tears when he’s sad, he grips his hands when he’s scared, he cradles his face, and centers him when he’s angry. He was there. Tonight he’s here for Joe. He can feel Joe’s anxiety and worry radiating off him like a beacon and he needs to soothe him. Nicky isn’t one to be sick, especially for long, and yet he’d been getting sicker and sicker as the days wear on. Nicky would be lying if he said he wasn’t also worried, but for now, he massages Joe’s scalp gently and holds him to his chest in the blue moonlight. 

——

Morning comes too early again even though he’s able to sleep in. 

“Nicky, hey baby,” with great effort Nicky opens his eyes and sees Joe still pulled to his chest and looking up at him like he was the moon. “It’s getting late. We should get up.”

Nicky yawns and kisses Joe’s forehead before nodding. Reluctantly, he releases Joe and looks at his phone. His appointment is at 11 and it's already 9. As he moves to sit up his stomach flips and he makes a break for the bathroom before Joe’s feet even touch the floor. There’s nothing in his stomach, considering yesterday, but his body still tries to make him empty it. He’s vaguely aware of Joe saying something, but he can’t focus on anything other than his head in the toilet. A few moments later, a gentle hand rests between his shoulder blades and rubs small circles into the tense muscles. 

When he finally stops he’s in a cold sweat and shaking. He leans back against the wall and keeps his eyes screwed shut. Tears form behind his eyelids and he desperately tries to fight them off. One must escape though because a warm hand wipes at his cheek. When he finally opens his eyes, the sight of Joe crouched next to him, eyebrows furrowed with concern, breaks him. 

“I’m sorry, Joe. I don’t-“ his voice chokes in his throat. Joe gives a sympathetic smile and shakes his head. 

“Nicky it’s not your fault. Don’t apologize,” Nicky smiles gratefully and moves to stand. Joe helps him up and presses a soft kiss to Nicky’s forehead. “Want me to stay while you shower?”

“No, grazie.” 

He showers quickly, clearing the way for Joe, and rushes to get ready. The doctor's office was a good 30-minute drive with traffic and they were already running late. Not that he liked going to the doctor’s office. He’d never liked it, even as a kid. It put him on edge. More frustrating was the fact that today his binder feels uncomfortable as he adjusts it. Some days this happens but he worries that somehow this is part of what’s going on with him. 

They get to the doctor's office with 5 minutes to spare. Joe was right too; he shouldn’t be driving. Nicky has to sit with his head between his knees for a moment when they park, making them late. By now he’s thoroughly annoyed, angry tears threatening to spill from his eyes. Joe is calm and caring and attentive and he just feels angry. It’s illogical to be angry at Joe or anyone right now really, but Nicky can’t help it. He doesn’t say anything, but he knows Joe can feel it. 

When his name is called, Nicky half expects Joe to go with him but he doesn’t, giving Nicky his space. Joe simply kisses Nicky’s hand and smiles. Nicky gives him a tight smile in response and follows the nurse. 

He sits in the small sterile exam room, laminated printouts on the wall warning of all kinds of diseases to watch for as you age. The nurse’s questions are general; what medicines are you on, what are your symptoms, etc, and he tries not to pull away when the nurse begins to touch him. He seems kind enough, but Nicky isn’t one for physical contact outside of his close friends and family and he rarely feels comfortable when someone masculine touches him. He feels bile rise in the back of his throat and tries to squash down anxiety. Finally, the nurse leaves and Nicky lets out a breath. But the anxiety continues to grow, the longer he waits for his doctor. It feels like days before she enters the room. 

“Hi, Nicolò!” His doctor announces, walking in with a smile. She’s small and sweet and Nicky loves her. It had always caused him anxiety when he had to find a new doctor. When they’d moved to Chicago, it took him forever to find one that was up to his comfort level and he prays she never retires. “So what’s going on?”

He begins explaining everything that was happening to him. How the last few weeks have been hell, he can’t keep food down, his emotions are all over the place, his chest is tender, he has the worst heartburn he’s ever had, and he is so tired he can feel the bags under his eyes. By the end, he’s failing to fight back tears and is trying to focus on sounding even and less of a mess than he feels. His doctor nods along, taking notes on her computer with a small, sympathetic smile and lets him get everything out. 

“It’s been a while since we checked your hormone levels, so we’ll check those. We’ll run a few other tests too and go from there. In the meantime I’m going to prescribe you an anti-nausea med to help with that,” she starts listening to his lungs and heart then seems to pause. “Are you using contraceptives?”

Nicky makes a face. He’s on testosterone. He hasn’t had a real cycle in years and is pretty sure there’s a point of no return with those. The closest he’s come to any kind of cycle in the last year was slightly more than normal spotting a few weeks ago… _wait..._

“Hormones aren’t foolproof. There’s always that small chance,” Nicky’s stomach flips and he just stares at his doctor. _There’s no way._ His head is still swimming with the possibility and it takes him a moment to come back to earth. “What?” He blinks. She gives him another sympathetic smile. 

“If you are pregnant and are planning on proceeding with the pregnancy, you’ll need to stop hormones immediately. It can harm the fetus. Again, IF you are. We’ll confirm with the blood tests today.”

Pregnant. She says it so casually like it isn’t a huge life-changing, world-altering situation. But she has to be wrong. The chance of that after being on hormones for so long would be so low. _Hormones aren’t foolproof…_

“Go downstairs to the lab and get your blood drawn and then go pick up your prescription. When you get home, drink lots of water. We’ll call you as soon as the results are in. We should have at least a few by the end of the day. Ok?” 

Nicky nods and stands slowly. He can’t tell what he’s feeling. All his symptoms seem to line up exactly with that. _What if I am? What will Joe think? What if…_ He’s in a daze when he enters the small lab. After a moment or two of waiting they call him in. 

He hates needles. He knows the irony of that considering how many tattoos he has, but tattoo needles are different from medical needles. Nicky is always being poked, checking hormone levels, checking this and that but he still hates needles. The nurse tries to make small talk, but Nicky is unable to respond, unable to even give them a polite smile. He just sits there while they draw blood. He finally refocuses as he enters the lobby. Joe has a book open but Nicky can tell he isn’t reading. He swallows thickly and tries to not cry. When Joe looks up, his eyes ask questions but Nicky knows if he tries to talk right now he’ll probably just get sick. With a tight smile Nicky nods to the exit and as soon as they’re outside Joe takes his hand. 

“What'd they say?” He can feel Joe trying to quell his anxiety and failing. 

“They’re running some tests but they prescribed me something for nausea.” Nicky grips Joe’s hand like a life-line. It is a life-line. He considers telling him everything that the doctor had said, but he’s still absorbing it himself. Joe doesn’t press farther, but it’s obvious he’s not satisfied with that answer. But Nicky just can’t say it out loud yet. _There’s no way._

Joe and Nicky want to have kids. That much they knew, but between saving for adoption fees, top surgery, a house, and everything else, they know it’ll be a while. But now, there’s a chance that will all be happening much sooner than anticipated. Nicky swallows down fear and hope as they drive home, gripping Joe’s hand the whole time. This is a lot to process. 

In fact, he processes it all the way home and onto the couch. It’s about 12:30 when they get home and Joe insists that Nicky eat something and that he rests while Joe cooks. Nicky just nods and gives him another tight smile. Lila immediately crawls into Nicky’s lap to rub against his face and he can’t help but ease a little. She’s a small, fluffy rescue cat and her white fur is forever ingrained in all of their clothes. 

Halfway through cooking, Joe is interrupted by a call from his mom. Judging by Joe’s responses, she’s calling to check in on Nicky. It had taken a little while for Joe’s parents to understand. They’d met Nicky before he’d started his transition and it had been an adjustment for them, but they’d worked to adjust and make him feel respected. Sometimes they asked questions that one shouldn’t ask or said the wrong thing meaning well, but they always tried and they always cared. Nicky begins to cry silent tears at the thought. He is so lucky to have Joe’s family. He remembers how Joe’s sisters had grilled Nicky when they met him, making sure he was “worthy” of their brother. They quickly fell in love with him though and welcomed him into their family. 

**_“He’s tired. We just got back from the doctor.”_ ** Joe says in Arabic as he balances the phone on his shoulder. He’s always chaos in the kitchen and Nicky refuses to cook with him. 

“Amore, I love you more than anything in this whole world, but I cannot share a kitchen with you. You’re a tornado and I want to hit you with a spoon.” He’d said one day early in their relationship. There had been no malice in his voice of course and Joe just laughed and nodded, agreeing with no fight. That was the first time Nicky had told Joe he loved him.

Now Nicky was watching as Joe swirled around the kitchen, updating his mother on his health, somehow balancing it all. Nicky cries harder as he settles farther into the couch. He closes his eyes and rests his head on the arm of the couch, willing the nausea meds to kick in. 

**_“I love you too, mama. I’ll talk to you later.”_ ** Nicky hears eventually and, after a few more minutes, he hears Joe enter the living room and sigh. Nicky cracks open one eye and tries to give him a light-hearted smile, but he has so much on his mind he’s sure it looks too tight. 

“Even when you’re sick you’re still the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.” Joe sits down gently and hands Nicky a plate. Nicky snorts as he sits up, much to Lila’s annoyance, and then settles himself under Joe’s arm. They always seem to fit together. Andy joked once that they were like a puzzle made of kinetic sand; no matter what shape they were, they'd always find a way to fit together. Right now Nicky appreciates this as he picks at his plate, suddenly wondering if it’s safe to eat this if he’s pregnant. _Stop it. There’s no way._

“It’s bland on purpose. Don’t make fun of me.” Joe winks. 

“I make fun of the _way_ you cook, tesoro, not your food.” Nicky smiles, leaning over and pressing a kiss to Joe’s neck. He feels Joe lean into the kiss. He feels Joe’s pulse under his lips and Nicky wants nothing more than to keep going, but his stomach flips and he sits back in his seat frustrated. 

They hadn’t done much but make out in the last few weeks thanks to Nicky’s illness and he’s pent up. Nicky swallows at the thought of what his illness could really be. He’s feeling too many emotions about what the doctor said. If he is pregnant then that's a whole life-altering discussion with Joe. Does he even want to _have_ a baby himself? But if he isn’t pregnant, they’ll have even less of an idea as to what was causing him to be sick and it would be a long road. Once he starts spiraling it’s hard for him to stop. He feels a gentle kiss on his temple and leans into it. 

“Where’d you go?” Joe’s voice is low and comforting and Nicky can’t even try to hide his anxiety anymore. Nicky sets the plate aside on the coffee table and wraps his arms around Joe’s torso, pressing his face into Joe’s neck. Joe holds him, cradling Nicky’s head in one hand and torso in the other as he presses gentle kisses into his shoulder. 

“I am very lucky to have you and your family.” Nicky says after he settles. Joe’s smile translates through Nicky’s clothes and he feels it in his skin. He holds on tighter. 

He isn’t sure how long they stay enveloping each other on the couch, but it isn’t long enough. It must’ve been at least a few hours though because Nicky startles at the ringing of his phone and sees the sun is starting to get low. He tightens his grip on Joe, afraid of what’s on the other end of the phone. But he also feels hope. _What if though?_ Joe releases an arm and picks up Nicky’s phone, answering the call and holding it out for him. With shaky limbs, Nicky untangles himself and takes the phone. 

“This is Nicky.”

“Hi Nicolò,” his doctor's voice is sweet… and tense. Nicky swallows. “We got some of your test results back, and you are indeed pregnant.” Nicky almost passes out and he has to grip Joe’s knee to keep upright. 

“We need to see you back here as quickly as possible,” Nicky doesn’t respond. He just keeps his eyes forward though, afraid to look at Joe just yet. “Should you choose to proceed with the pregnancy, you’ll need to stop your hormones immediately.”

“H-how far..” his words fail him and he can feel Joe’s eyes. He can imagine the confusion and fear right now, but he can’t bear to look yet. 

“Your hCG levels appear to put you at about 7 weeks but your OBGYN will be able to confirm,” Nicky does his best to absorb the information but doesn’t seem to know what to do with it. “Nicky?”

“Sono qui. Uh, I mean, I’m here.”

“We need to see you again as soon as possible,” They set up another appointment and Nicky is in a daze, still staring forward, afraid to move. “Nicky, don’t panic. Talk this over with your husband if you feel comfortable doing so and I’ll see you Friday. OK?”

“Y-yes. Thank you.” Then he hangs up. He stares at the phone in his hand for a moment. It happened so quickly. One minute, they didn’t know what was going on and the next it was solved. He’s pregnant. _Pregnant_ . He feels a small bubble of hope and excitement in his chest. _A baby…_

“Nicky. Nicolò,” Nicky finally turns to look at Joe who isn’t hiding his worry and fear anymore. It’s on display and Nicky throws his arms around him, hands trembling and grasping at fabric. “Nicky, what is it? What’d she say?”

“I-I,” words seem to fail him again. He knew he was scared, terrified even. When he’d imagined his future with kids, he’d never expected to have them himself. He hadn’t cared about freezing his eggs, perfectly happy to adopt. But now that it was in front of him and the idea of actually being pregnant, of all the hard work and pain he’d go through was terrifying, but the idea of seeing his and Joe’s child at the end? Of actually being given the chance to see that? He realized he wanted to take that opportunity.

“Nicky please,” Joe carefully moves him so they’re face to face. It’s calming and centering, seeing his husband’s eyes, even if they’re terrified. He places his hands on either side of Joe’s face, grounding himself. “Please tell me what she said.”

“I’m pregnant.” The words hang in the air and Nicky watches as Joe processes them. Joe’s hands tremble as they come up to Nicky’s face. 

“What? H-how? You’re...” Nicky watches the journey his husband takes in his mind. He prays that Joe is ready. That Joe will want this. Nicky watches the same flash of hope and excitement cross his husband’s face that he felt and suddenly the tension in him releases. Joe brings their lips together, testing the waters. Nicky kisses back, pulling his husband into the deep end with him. He presses forward and wraps his arms Joe again. Joe’s hands travel up Nicky’s back and a soft, happy sob escapes his mouth. Nicky follows suit and starts laughing. It's soft and warm and grateful. Joe pulls back and looks into Nicky’s eyes with the biggest smile he’s ever seen, a question hanging in his eyes. “Are you sure you want t-“

Nicky doesn’t let Joe finish. Instead, he nods with a watery smile and kisses Joe again. They spend hours like that, on the couch. Kissing until their mouths are red and swollen and then they keep going, not wanting to stop not wanting to be anything other than a tangle of limbs. There are so many things to discuss, to plan, to decide on, but right now they’re sure about one thing; they’re having a baby. 

——

Nicky wakes up to Joe pressing gentle kisses into the back of his neck. He hums in contentment before shifting to face Joe. It had been the first night in weeks he’d had a good night's sleep. He was still painfully tired, but emotionally he felt better. They knew what it was, and it was a gift. Joe is heavy-lidded and sleepy and the most beautiful sight Nicky has ever seen.

“How do you feel today, habibi?” Joe smiles sleepily, pressing a kiss on Nicky's collarbone and Nicky groans. 

“If you keep teasing me like this, I’ll be terrible.” Joe chuckles into Nicky’s skin. 

“I’m sorry habibi. I wish we had time for more.” Nicky sighs as he twists for his phone. They’re pushing it as it is and need to get up. 

“Tonight then.” Nicky kisses Joe’s forehead and untangles himself from his husband. He takes the nausea meds right on schedule, desperate to keep anything down today and they share another quick kiss before they leave for the day. 

——

Nile and he always seem to arrive at work at the same time. Sometimes Nicky wonders if she does it on purpose. 

“You look like you’re feeling better.” She smiles as Nicky swipes his badge behind her. Nicky can’t help but smile back brightly. He knew he looked better today too. His dark circles were still prominent but less so and he’d even shaved. 

“Getting there.” He knows he’s still in rough shape, at least for a while, but knowing what it is, knowing what’s there, makes it easier to bear. Nicky resists the urge to put a hand on his belly. He’d noticed last night that he has a small curve, but it’s so small he can’t truly tell if it’s the baby. Even if it was, it wasn’t noticeable enough to signal their secret to the world, but he knows and Joe knows and that makes his heart flutter. 

Andy meets him at his desk, evaluating him the moment he comes into view. “Good morning,” she says with a small, relieved smile. “Feeling any better?”

“Sì, grazie.” He nods, matching her smile. She nods back and leaves him to his work. 

The day goes by slowly with Nicky wanting nothing more than to go home and see Joe. He has a few more bouts of nausea, but nothing too severe and nothing he couldn’t handle. Nicky spends his lunch researching everything he can on detransitioning while pregnant. He doesn’t find as much as he’d hoped, but it’s a start. 

When he gets home Nicky is so tired he just wants to curl up on the couch and fall asleep in Joe’s arms. However, when he opens the apartment door he’s met with the smell of his husband cooking and music playing in the background. Lila pops out from the kitchen and bounds up to him happily. Once he’s kicked off his shoes, Nicky picks her up and scratches her head for a moment. 

The kitchen is alive with music and the smell of dinner but he stops when he sees Joe’s muscular back and arms working at the stove. He’s removed his button down from the day and is left in his white undershirt. Nicky appreciates the view for a moment, tracing Joe’s arms in his mind until he couldn’t stand it anymore. Carefully he sets Lila down and then closes the space between them and Nicky wraps his arms around Joe’s torso, kissing the side of his jaw. Joe jumps, having not heard Nicky come in. 

“Nicky!” Joe twists in his husband’s grasp to face him and kisses Nicky desperately, as if he hasn’t seen him in weeks. Nicky chuckles into Joe’s mouth as he rests his hands on his husband’s hips. His fingers trail up Joe’s sides wanting more, greedily grabbing at the fabric of his shirt. The wall meets Nicky’s back as Joe presses against him and begins untucking Nicky’s shirt, unbuttoning as quickly as he can. Nicky puts a hand into Joe’s hair and grips slightly, earning a moan from his husband. Then the smell of burning hits their noses. “Shit!” 

They pull apart and find the pan on the stove is now filled with burning food and Joe can’t help but laugh as he puts it in the sink. 

“I’m sorry, amore. I didn’t mean to distract you.” Nicky laughs too, still leaning against the kitchen wall. He’s breathless and wants more, hands outstretched for Joe. 

“Don’t you dare apologize,” Joe smiles. Nicky smiles back as Joe closes the distance again and cradles his face. Joe kisses him again, more gently this time. “How about we order in.”

Nicky nods and kisses him back. 

——

“This is going to be a lot of work.” Nicky says pressing his cheek into Joe’s chest. They’re sprawled out on the couch sharing slow, lazy kisses, hands traveling gently. He starts thinking and analyzing and he just needs to check. He needs to make sure. 

“Mhmm.” Joe hums into Nicky’s crown, fingers tracing along the ivy tattooed into his side. Nicky shivers at the touch and brushes his thumb along the one small bit of ink Joe has over his heart; _Ti amo_ in Nicky’s handwriting. 

“We weren’t planning on kids for a while.”

“Mhmm.” 

“I’ll definitely cry a lot.” He laughs into Joe’s chest. Joe laughs back and kisses his crown. 

“Mhmm.” Nicky pauses. He just needs to make sure. 

“You’re sure?” He starts to hold his breath but Joe responds immediately. 

“As sure as the day I married you.”

“You’re an incurable romantic.” Joe laughs and holds Nicky tighter. 

——

The happiness and excitement of the news has lasted all week, and he and Joe are on cloud 9. But the longer Nicky has to think, the longer a set of anxieties take root in his chest, clouding his excitement. 

  1. Hormones could hurt fetuses. If he was 7 weeks pregnant that was 7 weeks of hormones. Not to mention his antidepressant and anxiety medication. Xanax is definitely not recommended for use during pregnancy. 
  2. He’ll have to detransition while pregnant. How will he handle the inevitable body dysphoria, the hormones, the dramatic changes? He’s already up and down as it is and it’s likely to get more dramatic as the baby grows. 
  3. What will the social ramifications be like? He knows none of their friends will be anything but happy for them but it’s the rest of the public he’s worried about. The stares, the bigotry, the ignorance. It makes his chest tighten. 



Nicky lays awake the night before his follow up appointment with these thoughts rattling around in his head. His back is pressed to Joe’s chest and he’s holding the arm Joe had slung over him. Nicky rubs mindless circles into Joe’s wrist with his thumb as he obsesses over his thoughts. The clock on the wall seems to taunt him as he fails to sleep. 2:38. 

“Hayati.” Nicky startles at Joe’s voice. He feels Joe nuzzle into his neck. “I can hear the gears turning in your head.” Nicky sighs and presses his head farther into the pillow. Joe shifts and hovers over Nicky, turning Nicky’s face to his. 

“What’s on your mind? You won’t sleep until you say it.” Joe was right. Nicky couldn't sleep when something weighed on him. He shifts to lay on his back and gently trails a hand up Joe’s arm. 

“I can’t stop thinking of the what if’s,” he furrows his brows as he looks at the beautiful skin. “There are so many.”

“There will always be what if’s.”

“I know, Joe, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about them.” He knows Joe is just trying to help, but he doesn’t want Joe to fix it; just to listen. Joe’s instinct is always to fix it whenever someone is upset or struggling. It’s something he’s still working on with Nicky, and now that Nicky’s pregnant, he’s sure Joe will struggle with it even more. Joe seems to realize this as he reads his husband’s face. 

“Do you want to talk about them?” Joe shifts down to his side, head propped up on his hand. Nicky nods, trying to find the right words. It’s late and he doesn’t want to burden Joe with being tired all of the next day, but they’re partners. This is what partners do for each other. He swallows when he feels Joe’s free hand come to rest on his lower belly and they both look at the nearly invisible curve. 

“What if my medications hurt them? What if going off hormones is too much for me, especially while pregnant. What if… what if people see me and….” he trails off running out of words. Tears leak out of his eyes as he looks up at Joe again. Joe leans down and gives Nicky a gentle kiss and rests his forehead on Nicky’s. 

“I’m sorry these thoughts are plaguing you.” Nicky takes a shuddering breath as he realizes he’s crying harder. Pressing his face into Joe’s neck, he shifts his body to curl into his husband’s and he feels Joe wrap his arms around him. There’s another thought weighing on him too but he doesn’t even want to admit that one yet. 

——

He doesn’t remember falling asleep. To be fair no one does, but he’s still surprised when he wakes up to the sound of their alarm. Nicky is so fucking tired. He reluctantly begins untangling himself when Joe begins to do the same. 

“What time is your appointment?” Joe yawns as he stretches. Nicky sits up blearily and turns off the alarm. 

“3,” Nicky yawns back and he can see a question hanging on Joe’s mind. He puts his hand up to Joe’s cheek and rubs his thumb on Joe’s cheekbone. “What is it?”

“Can I come with you?” Joe looks so anxious that Nicky’s heart melts. Joe’s vulnerability is one of Nicky’s favorite things about him. 

“Please. It would make me feel better to have you with me.” Nicky smiles. Joe’s face softens and he leans over to meet Nicky, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. 

“Thank you.”

They get moving after that and make their way to work. Both are exhausted from being up so late last night but Nicky needs a distraction, even if he sits at his desk yawning all day. Nile eyes him as he walks in, worried all over again. 

“I said getting there, remember.” Nicky jokes as they enter the museum. 

“Fair enough,” she smiles. “It’s more concerning that I haven’t seen you drink coffee in forever.”

“It’s been upsetting my stomach.” He offers sadly. He’s been unable to drink coffee for at least a month and holy shit he misses it. They have a beautiful espresso machine that Andy and Quynh gave them as a wedding gift and he’s used it almost every day since. But for the last month all coffee does is give him heartburn and nausea. He mentally scolds himself for not taking that into account earlier too. His concerns kept mounting and he’s grateful he sees his therapist today. 

“Coffee making you sick? You must really be feeling bad.” Nile says it jokingly, but there’s genuine concern in her eyes. He almost tells her right then and there, but instead swallows and gives her what he hopes is a reassuring smile. 

“Getting there.” He says again. Nile smiles back and moves to her desk. 

Nicky gets out a notepad and does what he does every other Friday; he makes notes for therapy. He finds himself filling up page after page of worries and fears and excitements and emotions. They’re small notepads, but he still manages to fill up about 8 pages. 

2 pm rolls around and Nicky begins packing up his things. He’d told Andy about his appointment earlier in the week and she didn’t press. Andy was the best boss he’s ever been graced with. She doesn’t micromanage or treat her employees like children. She’d welcomed Nicky with open arms when he’d started and had quickly become one of his closest friends. 

“Heading out early?” Nile asks, looking up from the stack of forms she’s filling out. 

“Yeah, I have a doctor’s appointment.”

“Good. Feel better.” She gives him another one of her signature radiant smiles and he heads out, grateful that Joe was joining him. 

He arrives at the doctor's office 20 minutes early, anxious to get in and know more. He doesn’t have to wait long before he sees Joe’s car pull into the lot. Nicky exits his car as quickly as he can and heads straight to Joe who beams when he sees him.

“And here I was, worried I’d be too early,” Joe teases as he exits his car. Nicky offers a breathy laugh and then swallows. Joe takes his hand and squeezes it. “Whatever happens we’ll figure it out. OK?”

Nicky nods and takes a deep breath as they walk into the building. Nicky’s leg doesn’t stop bouncing the whole time they sit waiting. Joe holds his hand and rubs soft, slow circles into it with his thumb. He glances around the waiting room distracting himself with the people. There’s a young woman looking at her phone completely bored, a tired dad, trying to corral his toddler, an elderly couple working on paperwork, bickering about dates of things, a man in maybe his 40s staring directly at him and Joe. Nicky meets the man’s eyes and swallows. He’s seen that stare many times. It’s one that makes fear and anxiety chill his chest. It’s a look of disgust. Nicky crosses his legs and draws his cardigan closer around him. He must’ve gripped Joe’s hand harder, because he sees Joe shift out of the corner of his eye. Nicky looks away from the man already ready to throw up again but Joe stiffens and Nicky knows he’s staring the man down. 

“Amore,” Joe looks over at Nicky, eyes softening immediately. “It’s not worth it.” Joe’s jaw clenches and he lets out a short huff. He nods all the same and sits back in his chair. Nicky is very aware that he has passing privilege. He’s always been tall and broad, but once he started hormones and worked on deepening his voice he noticed that he slowly began to “fit in” more. It’s a privilege not every trans person has and he works hard to acknowledge and use that privilege to do good for other trans people. But right now? With this creep in front of him? He’s secretly grateful. 

“Nicolò?” It’s the same kind nurse from last time. He has a warm smile and Nicky tries to squash away more panic as they follow him, Ryan, his name tag says. They repeat all the normal check-in procedures and soon they're sitting in another sterile exam room alone. Nicky reaches out for Joe’s hand, his own shaking. 

“I’m here, habibi.” Joe says as he takes his husband's hand and presses a kiss to his knuckles. It takes a while, but finally, his doctor enters. 

“Hi again, Nicolò!” Her smile is bright and comforting. “You must be his husband. I’ve heard so much about you!”

“Joe,” he smiles, shaking the doctor’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Nicky feels ready to explode. He wants to get on with this. A cold sweat breaks out on his forehead. He needs to know and confirm and ask and suddenly he feels like he’s going to throw up. 

“So Nicky, how’s the nausea?” As if on cue, Nicky lunges for the trash can. Joe is right behind him rubbing his shoulders. 

“S-sorry.” Nicky says when he sits down again. He’s so embarrassed and he can feel the blush creeping in but she just smiles sympathetically. 

“No need to apologize! You made it to the trash can and that’s easy to clean up,” She keeps smiling and Nicky is almost angry at how calm she is. “So we should probably up that nausea med.”

“Is it safe to take that?” He croaks out. Joe is standing next to him, still rubbing his shoulders. 

“This one is safe, yes. So it sounds like you’re going to proceed with the pregnancy?” She types at her computer for a moment before meeting Nicky’s eyes. 

“Yes.” It’s the most sure he’s been about anything in a long time. Joe takes his hand, and Nicky squeezes it. 

“Alright, so there’s a lot to cover then.” And then she starts talking about all the things he needs to do. Stay off hormones, get in with his OB/GYN asap, have even more tests run, and reevaluate his other meds with his psychiatrist. Nicky tries to keep up but he’s glad Joe is there because his head is swimming.

“You- you said hormones can hurt them. I’ve been taking them up until I found out. Could… are they..” He can’t seem to finish the sentence. 

“When you schedule with your OB/GYN you’ll need to get an ultrasound and they can confirm where you’re at and the development of the fetus. When’s the last time you saw them?”

“It’s been a while.” Nicky only goes when he has to for his yearly exam and that’s it. He doesn’t hate his OB. It’s just the circumstance of it all.

“I’d recommend calling them as soon as you leave and trying to get in for an exam and ultrasound asap.” He nods, more anxiety settling in his chest. He feels Joe’s hand squeeze his a little tighter, reminding him that he’s not alone. 

They finish up the appointment and leave quietly, none of Nicky’s anxieties eased. In fact, there are even more and he’s on high alert. As they exit the building, Nicky spots the creep from before getting into his car. 

“Hey,” Nicky stops and looks at Joe. “Do you think you should drive to therapy? I can take you if you’d like.” 

Nicky shakes his head and gives Joe a small smile. He almost kisses him and then remembers he’d been sick not 10 minutes before. Joe nods and kisses Nicky’s forehead. 

“Call me if you need me to come get you,” Joe says letting go of Nicky. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Nicky sighs and returns to his car. 

——-

He’s tired of waiting rooms. They’re always so weird and uncomfortable and generic. Nicky stares at the boring art hanging on the wall as he waits. He has his notes from earlier with him, but he isn’t sure he’ll even be able to talk. Sometimes he has trouble talking at all. Usually, it’s when he’s so anxious he can’t quiet his mind. Like right now. 

“Nicky?” He looks up to see his therapist in the hall. Nicky gives them a tight smile and follows them back. His therapist, Jay, is trans and nonbinary. He’d made sure to find someone he didn’t have to explain his existence to, having dealt with that a few too many times. Jay’s office is much less impersonal than the waiting room, filled with textbooks and pictures and resources for people of all walks of the gender and sexuality spectrums. They take their seats and Jay seems to read the tension all over Nicky’s face. “Soooo, what’s goin’ on?”

Nicky opens his mouth to say it, but he realizes that only he, Joe, and his doctor know and it feels weird to share their secret anymore. Jay lets him think for a while, knowing better than to rush him. Nicky has been seeing Jay for over a year now and they have a good rapport. Jay knows when to push, when to back off, and when to help. 

“Maybe start with your notes?” Nicky nods and looks at the papers in his hands and the words start to blend together. He realizes he’s having an anxiety attack. Jay gets up and grabs a cold bottle of water from the fridge in their office, offering it to Nicky. It’s hard to grab the bottle with how his hands are shaking, but the cold is centering. He focuses on the sensation for a minute before he looks up at his therapist again.

“I’m pregnant.” Jay’s eyebrows shoot up and they blink. 

“OK. When did you find out?”

“Tuesday.”

“So this news is fresh. Was this planned?”

“No.”

“What are you feeling?” Nicky snorts, still trying to center himself. What isn’t he feeling?

“Happy, scared, worried, shock, disbelief.”

“That’s a good chunk of emotion.” Jay is good at taking Nicky’s mountain of feelings and making them into molehills. They spend the next hour talking out everything Nicky was feeling. All the fear and worry and anxiety. How he’s scared to get his hopes up because what if they’re not OK? How he’s worried how detransitioning will affect him and his pregnancy. How he can’t believe this could even happen, he’s been on hormones for so long he figured everything was closed for business down there. How he’s worried the world would react, especially after the interaction he’d had earlier today. And he admits his newest anxiety; what if he loses them? 

Jay listens and helps sort as best they can in the short hour they have. When the hour ends Nicky feels like he could go on for days.

“Let’s move to weekly for a while? What do you think?” Jay asks, setting their notes aside. Nicky agrees but still feels too full of thoughts. 

“How much of this have you told Joe?” Jay asks as they turn away from their computer. “Does he know all of this?”

“He knows a little. I couldn’t sleep last night and he dragged some of this out of me.”

“Maybe don’t make him drag it out,” Jay chuckles. Nicky sighs, knowing they’re right. “Let him help you. He’s probably feeling a lot of this himself, but I don’t want to put words in his mouth.”

Nicky nods. Jay has met Joe several times and they also had a good rapport. Joe always respects Nicky’s time in therapy and never presses him to share what he talks about but is always there when Nicky needs him. Nicky’s head swims as he sits in his car as he thinks about Joe. _Fuck._ So he opens his phone and texts him.

Nicky: Can you pick me up? 

It only takes a minute for Joe to respond. 

Joe: on my way. You ok?

Nicky: too dizzy to drive 

Joe: ❤️

Nicky sits back in his seat and cracks the window. Luckily it was a relatively cool day in May and he doesn’t have to worry about overheating, but he needs the fresh air. He listens to the ambient sounds of the parking lot and tries to focus on clearing his head. When his thoughts get too much his head feels like either TV static or all the songs on a playlist playing at once. Right now it feels like the latter. It had been a hell of a week. 

He takes a few shuddering breaths and tries to think of what he knows, of what he loves. 

  * He has an amazing husband that he loves more and more every day. 
  * His found family is amazing and he appreciates them every day.
  * He has a wonderful support system with Joe’s family and his own sisters. 
  * He and Joe are going to have a baby. 



He opens his eyes at that last thought and a warm feeling spreads through his chest followed by a smile. His doctor’s words resurface in his brain suddenly and he fumbles with his phone, trying to call his OB before the office closes. This appointment is harder to schedule. The person keeps asking him to repeat his name and birthday, confused at first that a man was calling for an appointment and then also by his accent. Once he can fully explain the situation, and they find him in the system, they schedule him as quickly as they can. 

“See you on Wednesday!” The person is so cheery Nicky can’t help but smile and let go of the frustration. 

“Grazie.”

He sees Joe’s car enter the parking lot then rolls up his windows and grabs his bag. In the short minute it takes him to switch cars, Nicky’s head seems to get lighter and he has a vague notion that he probably looks awful. 

“Let’s get you home and get some food in you.” Joe says once Nicky is buckled in. Nicky smiles and takes Joe’s hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and angst just go together so well. Thought I'd post this big one too since the prologue was short. 
> 
> Some chapters are going to be pretty long (only a few this long) but some chapters are pretty short. Just a heads up.


	3. 8 Weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicky and Joe are excited... and anxious. Nicky is on guard, afraid of the 'what if's and Joe is trying to contain his own excitement and anxiety. 
> 
> TW: Non-graphic medical procedures (no descriptions, just mentions), feelings of gender and body dysmorphia (please let me know I'm missing anything."

Tuesday night Joe rubs Nicky’s shoulders while he throws up again. The cool tile of the bathroom is starting to be too much against his sweat-covered skin and his head is pounding. Nicky leans back from the toilet and Joe pushes the sweaty hair from his forehead. He’s searching for something comforting to say but nothing Joe can say will make Nicky’s stomach sit still. “You don’t have to say anything, tesoro. You being here is what I need.” Joe kisses Nicky’s temple and then Nicky throws up again. 

——

The bed feels too empty, too cold. Nicky wakes up in the middle of the night, alone, to the soft light of the lamp in the corner of the room. He knows exactly what he’ll see when he looks over. Joe is slumped asleep in the chair beneath the light, his sketchbook halfway off of his lap. Nicky gets out of bed with a fond smile to see the work. The page is an image of himself asleep, sprawled out and draped in their blanket. Joe drew Nicky so often he should be used to it by now, but every picture still makes his heart swell. 

Nicky smiles wider and imagines what sketches of him will look like when he’s rounder but then he suddenly feels anxious and tries to freeze that hope. He’s afraid to let himself have it just yet. _It’s too early. It could end before it begins._

His mind wanders and he remembers the early days of their relationship. He remembers the pregnancy scare they’d had once. How terrified they’d been. But he remembers laying awake the night after they’d gotten the all-clear, just staring at Joe in his sleep wondering. Wondering what their child could look like, wondering how Joe would look holding their baby. It was a weird feeling now to have those same thoughts but with the possibility more real and present. He shakes his head and sets the sketchbook aside. 

“Hey, Joe,” he gently rubs Joe’s thigh, trying not to scare him awake. To his delight, Joe starts stretching and looks up at him. “Come back to bed. You know I can’t sleep without you.”

Joe smiles so warmly Nicky can feel his body temperature rise. He nods and stands up, grabbing at Nicky’s waist, eliciting a laugh from his husband. Joe is so touchy, but especially when he’s sleepy. “Come on octopus.” Joe laughs too and follows him back to bed. 

——

They’ve both taken that Wednesday off knowing full well they won’t be able to focus on anything else. Monday and Tuesday had been hard enough as it was. When morning finally comes, they try to sleep in as best they can, but Nicky is already awake and anxious. He feels Joe begin to stir and then gentle kisses on the back of his neck. His favorite wake-up call. 

“Buongiorno, amore.” Nicky yawns pressing back into Joe. 

“Good morning,” Joe’s voice is still heavy with sleep as he tightens his hold. “How are you feeling?” 

“Tired. Nauseous… anxious,” Nicky’s chest is tight and he’s so anxious he feels sick. He takes a deep breath and turns to face Joe. “We have to be realistic.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just mean…. We need to be prepared in case…” He shuffles words in his head, a mixture of several languages, exhaustion, and anxiety overwhelming him. He sits up and Joe follows suit. “They may not… be healthy. We could… I could lose them.” Joe nods slowly but doesn’t say anything. He looks like he’s grappling with the possibility and Nicky feels like he’s crushed him. It’s something that he’s sure Joe has thought of, but it looks like it’s something he’d been trying **not** to think about.

“I **am** excited,” Nicky says after a moment. Joe meets his eyes and Nicky can’t help but touch him, holding onto his forearm. Any point of contact to let him know he’s there and that he means it. “I’m just trying to be cautious.” Joe nods with a tight smile and looks like he’s swallowing his words. Nicky places a kiss on Joe’s forehead before getting out of bed and stewing in his guilt and anxiety. 

Nicky was always the cautious one. He was cautious to a fault. Joe isn’t exactly impulsive, but he faces things with a more dive-in head-first approach. It’s not that Nicky hates it, in fact, it was one of the many things he loves about Joe. But right now Nicky is on guard. He’s preparing for disappointment and heartbreak. He’s been this way for as long as he can remember too. It was how he coped. How he kept himself safe and he was desperately trying to keep Joe and himself safe. They’re mostly silent as they head out for the appointment and Joe is still swallowing words. 

They hold hands on the way to the office, and Nicky’s grip grows tighter the closer they get. Nausea begins to build and he clenches his teeth. It’s when they pull into the parking lot that Nicky realizes he can’t move. 

“Hey, Nicky,” Joe elbows him gently, but he stays frozen. “Hayati, hey.”

“I’m so scared Joe.” It’s almost a whisper and he’s unable to meet his husband’s eyes. A gentle kiss presses to his cheek and he leans into it. 

“Whatever happens we’re in this together.” Nicky nods and takes a deep breath, somehow finding the strength to leave the car. 

This is his fourth waiting room in 2 weeks and he’s sure there’s no end in sight. There’s always a few moments of confusion and discomfort when he checks in with his ob-gyn but he’s too scared to care today. They sit as they had last Friday, gripping hands and Nicky unable to stop bouncing his leg. He just prays he won’t get sick while he’s here. He feels his pulse in his ears and notices how white his knuckles are as he grips Joe’s hand. There’s a moment he considers easing up, but then he sees how white Joe’s knuckles are too and he places his free hand on top of their grip. 

“Nicolò?” The nurse smiles as they stand. His chart clearly states he’s trans and he’s never had them misgender him, but he’s obviously less comfortable here than at his primary care doctor’s office and pretends he doesn’t notice the questioning eyes around him. 

He’d done all kinds of research about what happens at initial exams and knows there will be a million questions, a million tests, and a million more words, but he still gets overwhelmed when it all starts. 

They go through everything. Blood work, medications, family medical histories, symptoms, lifestyle and diet, and more. Then there are the physical exams. Nicky takes deep breaths as his doctor performs each one and Joe rubs circles into his hand, trying to help. Exams were always weird and dysphoric but as he stares at the ceiling he realizes he’s going to have to get used to them if he’s going to have a baby. _If..._

Finally, the poking, prodding, and general overstimulation is over and it’s time for the ultrasound. They enter a small, dim room with a large machine, and Nicky’s heart jumps into his throat. He swears he feels Joe’s heart rate increase, they’re holding hands tight enough. This is it. This is where they’ll find out if this is a reality. 

“Have you ever had an internal ultrasound before?” the technician asks. 

“No, I haven’t.” Nicky knew that this would most probably happen at the initial visit and he was dismayed when he learned about it but it would be as fast as they could make it and he most likely won’t need another one again. He’s prepared for it. Joe on the other hand had also done research on this visit but had not learned about this and sits rigidly while she explains the procedure. Nicky feels Joe’s shock and confusion and looks over. If it wasn’t so sweet, Nicky would have laughed at the look on Joe’s face. Joe turns to Nicky, face asking if he’ll be OK. Nicky nods and gives Joe a soft smile. 

“I’ll let you change and then I’ll be right back.”

“Nicky are you sure you’re OK with that?” Joe asks before Nicky can even fully stand up. 

“Yes, Joe. I read about them and am prepared for this.” Joe’s eyebrows are tight, even as Nicky tries to soothe him with a kiss to the forehead. But the tension remains and the pit in Nicky’s stomach won’t leave. 

“I don’t think it’s unrealistic to hope.” Nicky is confused for a moment before he remembers the morning. 

“I want to hope, Joe.”

“Why can’t we be hopeful and realistic?” Joe is trying so hard to be even, but all the anxiety and hurt he’s feeling is painted on his face plain as day. 

“I just… I don’t want us to get our hopes up in case things don’t work out.” Nicky always wants to do good. To do good for others and help those that he can because that’s who he was, but life has taught him to not be optimistic and that hoping for things has no bearing on how they turn out. You can’t manifest things no matter what people say.

Joe doesn’t get a chance to respond before there’s a knock at the door. “All set?”

“Y-yes.” Nicky sputters. He takes Joe’s hand again as the technician takes her place and tries to focus on anything but the bile in his throat. She tries to make light conversation and help ease the tension as she helps Nicky get situated, but the pair is unable to keep up. Nicky hasn’t felt this exposed and vulnerable in a long time. He notes that the door isn’t locked. _Someone could stumble in and see._

“Is there any way we could lock the door?” Nicky squeezes Joe’s hand and tries to sound more confident than he is. 

“You bet,” she’s sweet and kind and Nicky eases a little. But only a little. 

“Ready?” He nods and the ultrasound begins. Nicky holds his breath, looking at the ceiling. Nicky can feel not only the anxiety but the hope rising in his chest and realizes he was foolish to think he’d be able to contain his hope. He'd been so happy and had held Joe for hours after they’d found out. Looking at the screen is too terrifying so he looks at Joe. Joe’s eyes are glued to the screen in shock and awe so with a deep breath, Nicky looks too.

“There they are!” the technician says. 

He sees them immediately. **Both** of them. Right there, on the screen, they see two small white blurs. Nicky’s mind blanks as he takes in what he’s seeing. Twins. _Holy shit._ Then his vision blurs and his throat tightens. 

“A-are they OK?” He’s not sure if he says it out loud but he hears a response. 

“I’m sorry, but the doctor will have to review the sonogram to confirm, however, I can do this.” She presses a button and they begin to hear the overlapping sounds of two heartbeats. He squeezes Joe’s hand tighter and looks at him. Joe is transfixed on the screen and Nicky realizes that Joe is crying too. When they lock eyes Joe beams at him so brightly Nicky feels like he’s looking directly into the sun. 

When they get back to their exam room they sit in heavy silence, waiting for the doctor. They need to know. Joe and Nicky hold hands desperately and the longer they wait the more Nicky needs to puke. Finally, his doctor enters and they search her face for any sign. With a big smile, she assures them that their babies are healthy and developing right on schedule. Nicky can’t help but start to cry and wrap his arms around Joe. He feels Joe crying too and leans back to meet his eyes. Nicky forgets about the doctor completely as Joe kisses him so gently and tenderly he feels weak.

They’re on a cloud for the rest of the appointment. Nicky hopes that Joe is paying better attention than he is, but he’s aware of three things:

  * He’s labeled high risk due to multiples and how long he’d been on hormones while pregnant. 
  * He’s told to stop binding. 
  * Their babies are about 8 weeks and doing great. 



They’re handed printouts of the sonogram and Nicky checks out again, unable to look away from the small shapes. More papers and notes and instructions are handed over too but none are as important as the grainy pictures. 

He doesn’t really check back in until they arrive at their car where Joe stops them, still holding Nicky’s hand. His heart is lighter than it’s been in weeks and Nicky can see the same energy radiating from his husband. Joe pulls Nicky close and kisses him so tenderly and deeply Nicky feels his head spin and it feels like there’s no one else in the world right now except for him, his husband, and their babies. 

When they get home, Lila is ready at the door chirping. Nicky smiles as he picks her up and presses gentle kisses to her head. She purrs but wiggles out of his grasp, immediately demanding to be let down. He feels Joe hug him from behind and his warm, gentle hands come to rest on Nicky’s lower belly. They never expected this or planned for this. It’s terrifying. It’s thrilling. But it’s a gift and Nicky has never been more grateful. His hands rest on top of Joe’s for a moment, until he can’t hold back any longer. He faces Joe and takes his husband’s face in his hands. His eyes are warm and wet and so relieved. It’s a sight that Nicky treasures and wants to remember for the rest of his life. 

**_“Twins, Joe! Twins!”_ ** Saying it out loud for the first time fills him with all the hope and excitement he’d been scared to let himself have. It’s overwhelming to suddenly feel everything he’d been suppressing and he laughs through sobs. Joe’s smile is tender and grateful as he kisses Nicky, arms wrapped around him securely. 

“We’re going to need a lot of diapers.” Nicky laughs so fully it shakes his whole body. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters really vary in length, and the next few might be a bit shorter but I hope you'll like them anyway! 
> 
> I've also been writing fic about how they met in college and I think I'll start a series for this once I get this one out.


	4. 10 Weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Joe's birthday and they're meeting their friends for dinner. Nicky just hopes he can keep dinner down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter, and chapter lengths are going to vary a bit going forward but I'll keep updating as regularly as I can. 
> 
> TW: mentions of body dysmorphia

“It looks like I’m smuggling a football under my shirt.” Nicky notes looking into their mirror. Joe can’t help but laugh. 

“It’s like it happened overnight.” Nicky’s belly had been small so far and he’d hoped it would stay that way but apparently his children wanted the world to know. 

“It won’t be long before I won’t be able to fit into any of my clothes.” Nicky sighs, suddenly realizing how hard that will be. 

“We can figure something out.” Joe comes up behind Nicky and presses a kiss into his cheek. His warm hands rest on the small belly and it feels safe and solid. Nicky can’t help but smile at his husband’s optimism. 

“I don’t think Andy will let me wear sweatpants to work every day. Not quite professional.”

“You never know until you ask. Besides, she has a soft spot for you.” Joe reluctantly pulls away to finish getting dressed. Nicky snorts, but Joe’s not wrong. Once he’d started at the museum Andy gravitated towards Nicky and was the only person who’d been able to make her laugh at work. 

“I can’t wait to show up to that conference in September in sweatpants.” Nicky jokes as he finishes dressing too. Joe laughs again. 

——

It's getting late and Nicky is trying so hard not to fall asleep on the couch. Joe’s stuck at school for all kinds of teacher meetings and training but he’s been texting Nicky all day, clearly not paying attention.

Joe: I think we’re wrapping up here soon.

Nicky: ❤️❤️

It really isn’t that late, but he’s still exhausted all the time. He forces himself up to start making Joe’s favorite for his birthday dinner, following the recipe Joe’s mother had given to him in college. 

Their wedding photos are prominently displayed on the wall along with their very first photo together and Nicky pauses to look at them as he moves to the kitchen. Joe has the same smile in each one; warm and radiant and so in love. When they met they fell hard and fast, but Nicky had been terrified the whole time. Terrified that Joe would get bored with him or that he’d get sick of the constant anxiety or the gender and body dysphoria he was still trying to understand. He clearly remembers the first time Joe said he loved him. It had been sweet and sudden and Nicky had kissed him so fiercely they’d nearly toppled into the grass. 

Nicky smiles at the sappy memory as he starts to cook the meat. Then his stomach turns. The smell of it is too much and he has to bolt for the toilet. The bathroom is quickly becoming the bane of his existence. Eventually there’s a nudge at his hip and when he finally sits back he sees Lila is rubbing at him.

“Thank you tesoro.” he croaks as he pets her with a shaky hand. The smell of cooking meat is only getting stronger and he knows he needs to turn off the stove, but he can’t stand yet, still too nauseous. He leans back over the toilet and prays the apartment won’t burn down because he had to puke.

“Nicky?” he hears the door close and Lila chirps, running towards Joe. “Hey furball! Where’s papa?” Nicky’s heart skips at that.  _ Papa. _ “Nicky?” 

“Hold on!” he coughs, trying to catch his breath.

“Hey!” and suddenly Joe’s rubbing his shoulders. “Can I get you anything?”

“Can-can you turn off the stove?” 

“Oh shit!” Joe stands quickly and bolts towards the kitchen. Nicky can smell that dinner is burnt and it just makes his stomach flip again. But Joe returns quickly and rubs at Nicky’s shoulders again. 

“I’m sorry, Joe. The smell was too much.” Nicky sits back against the tub and rubs at his face. He’s angry and frustrated and he just wants to go to bed. 

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Joe says. He sounds fondly and Nicky looks at him with a heavy sigh. “I appreciate that you wanted to make me dinner.”

Nicky breathes out a small laugh and lets Joe help him up. With a kiss to his forehead, Joe returns to the kitchen and lets Nicky straighten himself up. He’s still adjusting to the nausea but feels like it’s only getting worse. The meds help until they don’t. Sometimes he’d move his head too fast or there would be a certain smell or his body would just decide that right now was a good time to interrupt. It was getting more and more difficult to explain and hide at work and Nicky was getting tired of the sprints to the bathroom. 

He emerges after brushing his teeth for the millionth time that day and sees Joe in the kitchen. The smell of the meat is still lingering and Nicky takes stock of what he can see, trying to focus on anything but the smell. Joe is cleaning up the burnt pan and the living room windows are open. Lila is seated next to Joe’s feet, rubbing at his leg. 

Nicky realizes he’s crashing now and he just wants to hold Joe. He’ll bounce back soon enough, but there’s always a little crash afterward. Wrapping his arms around Joe feels centering and it's easier to breathe now. 

“Hey,” Joe says softly. He takes one of Nicky’s hands and presses a kiss to it before returning to the pan. “Was it something specific that bothered you?”

“The smell of the meat.” Joe feels so comforting in his hold. His steady heartbeat, how his muscles move, his cologne. It makes Nicky feel safe. 

“Good to know.” Nicky can hear the smile on Joe’s face and knits his eyebrows together. 

“It’s frustrating that it makes you smile.” 

“I’m not happy about it, Nicky. I’m just… happy.” Nicky tightens his grip and buries his face in deeper, with a smile. 

——

“You sure you’re up for tonight? We don’t have to go.” Joe worries again as they get ready to head to dinner with their friends. It was tradition now that they all meet up for one another’s birthday no matter how busy they got. 

“I’m up for tonight, amore,” Nicky adjusts his shirt to make sure his small belly isn’t noticeable. They aren’t ready to tell anyone just yet. It’s still early and they want to wait as long as possible in case anything happens. Plus they’re enjoying having this secret just to themselves. “Do  **you** want to go?”

“Yes, I just don’t want to push you.” Nicky smiles at Joe gratefully. Yes Joe is very happy right now, but he’s been worrying over Nicky since they’d found out and Nicky knew he’d have to accept that. 

“You’re not pushing me. I am choosing to go,” Joe smiles and nods with a relieved laugh. Nicky stands and adjusts Joe’s jacket but looks into Joe’s eyes the whole time. “I love you, Yusuf al-Kaysani.”

“I love you too, Nicolo al-Kaysani.” 

——

They’re the first ones to the restaurant and Nicky makes sure to sit on the corner closest to the bathroom, not trusting his stomach. 

“Just let me know if you need to go, OK?” 

“I will. Thank you.” Nicky smiles and leans in giving Joe a quick and gentle kiss. 

“You two are already at it?” They break apart as Nile walks up to the table. Nicky and Joe just laugh as she sits. Slowly their friends all filter in and the table is finally full. 

The dinner is going smoothly and Nicky has only had to go to the bathroom once and that was to actually use the bathroom. He’s in a false sense of security and when the food arrives he realizes just how wrong he’d been to think he’d make it through dinner without incident. There’s too many smells and someone’s dinner is still sizzling so he holds his breath, hoping the nausea will pass. But it doesn’t.  _ Fuck! _ As quietly as he can, he slips out of his seat and heads to the bathroom, trying not to look conspicuous. 

Being sick in a public bathroom is, without a doubt, his least favorite part of this whole experience so far. When they’re home, he KNOWS when the toilet was last cleaned. Usually daily, at this rate. But a public bathroom? He has no idea and he tries not to think about it. When he finishes, he checks his watch and realizes he’s been gone just slightly too long and forces himself to his feet. Then his pocket buzzes.

Joe: You OK? 

Nicky: Yeah, coming back now.

He leaves the stall and washes his hands and does his best to rinse his mouth.  _ Please God, don’t let me smell. _ Everything seems OK, but he knows he looks rough and it’ll be hard to explain this one away. Nicky thinks for a moment he’s made it without being noticed but as he sits back down at the table Nile looks at him intensely. 

“You OK?”  _ Fuck… _ Nile is looking at him with concern and he feels eyes on him. He just smiles.

“I’m OK.” He hopes he sounds even and calm, but by the way Nile is looking at him he knows that he’s not as subtle as he wants to be. A blush creeps up his chest and he looks away just to see Rochelle looking at him with equally concerned eyes. 

“You sure?” she asks. She’s a parent so of course she can tell when someone’s lying.

“Yes, just haven’t been feeling well lately.” He feels Joe’s hand on his knee and feels slightly better. 

Luckily, dinner carries on after he reassures them that he’s fine,  _ please stop staring at me. I'm fine _ , but he’s sure that Rochelle and Nile note how little he eats that night. 

When they finally get home, Nicky is beat as Joe ushers him to the bathroom. He’s already on his way to make him tea as he has been almost every night for the last few weeks. 

“I should be the one taking care of you this week.” Nicky protests, hands on his hips in the bedroom doorway.

“I’m not the one who’s pregnant,” Joe chuckles, mirroring his husband. Nicky huffs and crosses his arms, then immediately uncrosses them. His chest is too tender to even touch and his alternative to binding isn’t enough to dissipate his discomfort with it. When Nicky doesn’t respond Joe sighs and holds the sides of Nicky’s shoulders. “For my birthday, let me take care of you.”

**_“You’ve been taking care of me, Joe.”_ ** Nicky sighs and looks at the floor. He’s still struggling with letting Joe take care of him even after all these years. Nicky is miles better now than when they first started dating, but it still gets to him sometimes. Like right now. 

_**“Yes, and I’ll keep doing it,”**_ Joe presses a kiss to Nicky’s forehead and Nicky sighs as he wraps his arms around Joe, pressing his face into the crook of his neck. Joe wraps his arms around him in return and rubs a hand up and down Nicky’s back. _**“You’ve given me the best birthday present ever you know.”**_

_**“How will I top it next year?”**_ Joe laughs and presses a kiss into Nicky’s temple. 


	5. 11 Weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicky just wants to be able to play Doja Cat as loud as he wants but his neighbor just wants to be able to hear himself think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's more of just a short and sweet moment in their life.

Their apartment is homey and comfortable, decorated in a cozy mishmash of their styles and interests and things. It’s pretty spacious too for being so close to downtown Chicago. Nicky and Joe like it. The downside is that Nicky can’t play his music as loud as he likes to or be too loud when they have sex. He’s usually pretty good about keeping the music down, but every once in a while his very kind neighbor will have to come over and ask him to turn it down. He hadn’t heard the knock on the door today over Doja Cat and is only alerted to it as the door opens and he hears Joe talking to their neighbor. 

**_“Shit!”_ ** He immediately turns it down to an acceptable level before rounding the corner from the kitchen. Joe smiles at him amused and their neighbor smiles patiently, yet annoyed. “I’m sorry Mark!”

Mark thanks him for turning it down and Joe laughs as he closes the door. “Long day?” 

“It was too quiet.” Nicky shrugs before giving Joe a kiss. Lila nearly trips him as she weaves between their legs. Joe scoops her up and jokingly scolds her as he follows Nicky back to the small kitchen. 

Eventually they want a house. They had been planning on it in a year or so and then adopting, but now their plan was out of sync and Nicky was suddenly wishing for more space and more privacy. 

“Our neighbors aren’t going to be too happy when we bring home two newborns with no sleep schedule.” Nicky laughs, already absentmindedly placing a hand on his belly. 

“Somehow I don’t think I’ll feel too sorry for them.” Joe chuckles as he sets Lila down. 

“How was the…  **_class_ ** ?” Nicky has been fumbling harder with his words lately and feels like he’s losing his mind, Everything comes out as a weird mix of English, Italian, and Arabic. 

“It was good. Only one person got shitty about sensitivity training so that’s an improvement.” Even during the summer, Joe is always busy. He attends certification classes, coordinates training with other teachers and the district, and volunteers at summer art programs for youth. Nicky admires his passion and drive but has no idea how he balances it all.

There’s a beat of silence while Joe watches Nicky cook. Then Nicky feels Joe wrap his arms around him and rests a hand on Nicky’s tiny belly. 

“Obviously the art room will be their room but…” Joe pauses and rests his head against Nicky’s. Nicky presses his head to Joe’s, urging him to continue. “But do they have to sleep in there right away?” 

“I don’t want them to,” Nicky smiles and presses a kiss to Joe’s cheek. “I’m still getting used to the idea of them being born.” Joe chuckles and stays glued to Nicky for as long as he lets him. 

——

“Should we start looking at houses?” Nicky asks through his dinner that night. They’re financially stable enough and Nicky isn’t getting top surgery anytime soon. Why not now?

“We could I guess.” Joe doesn’t seem particularly enthused at the idea though and his eyebrows knit together. There’s a few beats of silence as Joe picks at his plate. 

“What’s on your mind?” Nicky nudges at Joe’s leg under the table and the corner of Joe’s mouth twitches up.

“Maybe we should wait? I mean it's only getting hotter and moving is a lot of stress and you’re high risk. Plus I don’t want us to try to rush to find a house and then have to rush to unpack.” The words begin spilling from Joe’s mouth before he can stop them and his face is etched with anxiety.

“True,” Nicky reaches across the table and takes Joe’s hand. He lets out a heavy breath and meets Nicky’s eyes. “Those are all valid concerns. We don’t have to land on anything right away, but we can’t stay here forever. We’re going to outgrow it soon.”

“I’m just…” Joe looks at their hands, trying to pick the right words. Nicky waits and rubs his thumb along Joe’s knuckles. “Everything is going to change very soon, and I’m comfortable here. You’re comfortable here. I don’t really want to change our environment too. Does that make sense?”

“It makes perfect sense, amore.” Nicky smiles and Joe does too.


	6. 12 Weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe and Nicky finally tell their families and celebrate afterward.
> 
> TW: mentions of being disowned from family due to gender identity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? Two chapters in one day? Must be the hyperfixation. 
> 
> Going forward I'm trying to be a bit better about how I talk about sex with Joe and Nicky. Nicky's genitals are mainly referred to in gender-neutral terms, but I will be using the term cock for his genitals as well.

“Why don’t we call your sisters and my family this weekend. We can tell them.” Joe says as he enters the living room. Nicky knits his eyebrows together, suddenly overcome with anxiety. When he doesn’t answer right away Joe leans against the back of the couch and presses a kiss to Nicky’s cheek. “What is it?” 

“What if something happens?” Nicky says. He swallows as he sets a protective hand on his belly. They’re getting so big now that it’s becoming a challenge to hide them and it scares Nicky. 

“We can’t keep this a secret for much longer hayati.” Joe’s voice is gentle and kind as he moves to sit next to Nicky. He places his own hand on top of Nicky’s and rubs his thumb against Nicky’s hand. “We can wait as long as you need, of course.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to tell anyone. It’s just… it’s almost like I’m afraid I’ll… what’s the word? Jinx it?” Joe smiles softly and wraps an arm around him. “I know it’s not logical but it’s what my brain is telling me.” Joe kisses Nicky’s temple and holds him tighter. 

“We don’t have to tell anyone until you’re ready.” Nicky leans into Joe and sighs. He misses his anxiety meds.

——

Nicky is almost asleep already as he starts changing into shorts and a t-shirt for bed, but he pauses when he sees his reflection. His belly is getting so obvious he’s sure that anyone can tell when they see him without a jacket or cardigan. They’ve grown so much in the last week and Nicky couldn’t believe it. 

“You OK?” 

“Hmm? Oh, yeah. Just…  **_they’re getting so big._ ** ” Joe wraps his arms around Nicky and rubs his hand up and down Nicky’s belly. Nicky can’t help but sigh into Joe’s hold. It hits him then how much he wants to tell everyone. He’s still terrified but he wants his family and friends to know and share in the excitement.  **_“Let's call our families this weekend.”_ **

“Yeah?” Joe is so eager Nicky can’t help but smile. 

“Yeah.”

——

They decide to call Nicky’s sisters first since they’re 7 hours ahead. The FaceTime call with them is chaotic but also a relief. They’re so ridiculously happy for them and Nicky’s big sister Concetta cries immediately, making the rest of them cry. 

**_“This is absolutely amazing! I am so happy for you two!”_ **

His little sister Gianna is already asking when they’re due, if they have names picked out yet, when they’re going to find out if they’re boys or girls, and a million other questions. After a few minutes of tears and laughter, a painful thought crosses his mind and he just needs to make sure.

**_“I know you won’t, but,”_ ** Nicky takes a deep breath and tries to form the words he needs. Joe is looking at him with confusion as are his sisters.  **_“Please don’t tell mom and dad.”_ **

**_“Of course.”_ ** Gianna says so gently that Nicky feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his chest and Nicky leans into Joe with a relieved sigh. 

After his coming out all of the di Genova siblings had a big falling out with their parents. Gianna had only been 16 at the time and was still living with them so she’d been forced to see them until she could be fully self-sufficient. That hadn’t stopped her from sharing her disappointment and displeasure about the shit they had said to Nicky, and when she moved out she’d unleashed on them fully. Concetta barely spoke to their parents afterward. She still went to the same church as they did, but she and her family sat far away from her parents and only acknowledged them when she had to. It had been a big to-do in the church and Concetta had secretly enjoyed watching them in their embarrassment. 

**_“I’m not ashamed,”_ ** he explains, mostly to Joe.  **_“I just… They don’t deserve to know or be a part of this.”_ **

Joe smiles at Nicky in agreement, still so proud of him. The rest of the call is light and sweet and they talk as long as they can until Concetta’s son Vincenzo demands attention.

**_“We’d better let you go. It’s getting late there.”_ ** Nicky says with a smile. Besides he's overwhelmed and needs to recharge for a bit before they call Joe’s family. He sits back on the couch with a smile on his face. Joe takes his hand and presses gentle kisses into Nicky’s fingers as they sit in blissful silence. 

——

The FaceTime call with Joe’s family is even more chaotic, but once all of them are on and they manage to tell them, Joe’s mom immediately starts crying and his dad can’t stop smiling, looking close to tears himself. 

**_“My babies are having babies!”_ ** Mama says through her tears and Nicky loses it himself.  **_“How are you feeling? Are you well?”_ **

**_“Lots of nausea and tears, but otherwise I’m fine. Joe is taking wonderful care of me.”_ ** Nicky smiles, wiping at tears. Joe kisses Nicky’s temple with the most grateful smile.

**_“This is amazing! We have to start planning the baby shower right away!”_ ** Kinza says. She has tears in her eyes too.

**_“I don’t think we’re having a baby shower, but you’re always welcome to send gifts.”_ ** Joe teases. Everyone is crying and Nicky is overwhelmed. With happiness and love, but still overwhelmed. 

They all stay on the phone for as long as Nicky can handle it.

**_“We’re going to have to let you go, but thank you guys. For everything.”_ ** Joe says, realizing Nicky’s battery is thoroughly drained. 

**_“Yes, thank you all so much. I love you all.”_ ** Nicky says as he fights off another round of tears. Joe’s parents are crying and there’s a chorus of  _ We love you too _ s. When they finally end their call Joe wraps his arms around Nicky and buries his face into the crook of his neck. Nicky holds him tight as he sits back against the couch. 

“Thank you.” Joe says after about 5 minutes. Nicky breathes out a laugh and begins to rub Joe’s back.

“I love you.” Nicky responds. Joe pulls back and stares into Nicky’s eyes. His look is so tender and loving that Nicky feels tears in his eyes again. 

——

“Yusuf,” he panted. “Yusuf, please.” 

**_“Hayati, you’re so beautiful,”_ ** Joe pants as he presses in and rolls his hips. Nicky can’t help but moan and tighten his grasp on Joe’s arms. Marks will be all over his thighs tomorrow from Joe’s hold and he looks forward to seeing them. Joe bends over to kiss along the skin from Nicky’s chin to chest and Nicky moans at the feeling. 

**_“Yes! Ah, Yusuf, yes!”_ ** He gasps in Arabic. Nicky lets out a whimper as Joe traces his body with his mouth. Looking down, he meets Joe's eyes and feels the heat increase in his belly.

“Nicolò!” Joe moans as Nicky grinds his hips into his husband’s thrusts. Nicky pushes himself up and they adjust so they’re face to face, chest to chest, falling back into rhythm easily. He needs to see Joe, to kiss him, to drag his fingers down Joe’s back.  **_“You are so beautiful. So radiant. So full of life.”_ **

“Y-Yusuf!” Nicky gasps, leaning their foreheads together. He feels one of Joe’s hands rest gently on the swell of his belly and a shiver runs down his spine. The pleasure was starting to crest, almost too much now and he moans again.  **_“I-I’m so close. Oh god! Yusuf! I’m so-ah!”_ **

**_“I’ve got you, hayati. I’ve got you.”_ ** Joe pants in Arabic. He presses his lips to Nicky’s, gently and cups the back of his husband’s head. His hands are strong and warm and Nicky feels so safe. He wishes they could stay like this forever. 

**_“Amore! Per favore, amore!”_ ** Nicky tangles his hands in Joe’s hair and tugs gently. Joe sets him back on their bed, thrusting as deeply as he can.  **_“I’m so close! Ah! Yusuf!”_ **

Nicky is letting out short, sharp gasps with each thrust and Joe moves his hand to Nicky’s cock and massages at the sensitive skin. With a shout, he loses all control and arches into his orgasm. Nicky briefly thinks he might die from the pleasure he’s feeling as it radiates outward from his legs and flows through him like a current, freezing his grip on Joe’s shoulders. 

“Ah! Nicolò! Nic- Ah!!” He hears his husband shout. Nicky can barely roll his head to see Joe’s beautiful face as he cums. A gentle warmth fills him and he moans in pleasure, burying his face in Joe’s neck. They stay embraced for what feels like both an eternity and not long enough. Nicky presses kisses along Joe’s neck, fingers trembling in his husband’s hair.  **_“Nicolò, you’re so beautiful. Are you OK?”_ **

All Nicky can do is nod, the words thoroughly fucked out of him. Slowly, Joe begins to untangle them, much to Nicky’s chagrin. 

**_“I want to see you.”_ ** Joe pants. Nicky keeps hold of Joe’s head but allows him to pull back. Joe is a sight; cheeks flushed, hair tousled, red marks cover his chest, arms, and, most likely, his back from Nicky’s grip. Joe smiles down with heavily lidded eyes and kisses him. 

Suddenly Nicky’s stomach flips and he has to pull away quickly. Joe looks confused for a moment as Nicky unceremoniously pushes out from under him. He barely makes it to the toilet in time. A moment later he feels a gentle hand rubbing his shoulders. 

“Man, I didn’t realize I was that bad.” Joe tries to joke. Nicky snorts as he leans back from the toilet. A wet, warm washcloth cleans the sweat from Nicky’s forehead and he smiles gratefully as his husband cares for him. Joe offers him some water which he takes immediately, trying desperately to get the taste out of his mouth. He leans back again and rests a gentle hand on his belly. Joe sits next to him and sets a hand on top of Nicky’s. The initial fear of telling their families has passed and he feels so relieved and happy and calm. That could be the sex talking though.

“Want a shower?”

Nicky nods and then immediately regrets it. His stomach roils and he has to take several deep breaths before he can move. Joe helps him up and stares at him with a warm smile. 

“What?” Nicky chuckles and Joe breathes out a laugh and shrugs. 

“Just committing moments to memory.” 

“I’m sure there are much nicer moments to commit to memory.” He switches on the shower and waits for the water to warm. 

“Maybe, but I like this moment.” Joe looks at Nicky like he’s seeing the stars. Sometimes Joe’s looks were overwhelming, but he’s grateful for each one. Nicky holds out his hand for Joe to join him and he takes it without hesitation.


	7. 13 Weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their second ultrasound has arrived and they're both so excited and nervous they're ready to shoot into space. Next, it's time to tell their friends and Nicky is nervous all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and sex. My favorite cocktail.
> 
> No warnings I can think of, but please let me know!

It’s finally here and Nicky thinks he could cause an earthquake with how hard he’s been bouncing his leg. Nicky knows that they need to tell their friends soon, but he’s still anxious. Things could still go sideways at any point and he worries about it every day. Telling their families had helped though. They’d told them and everything was still OK. Nothing was jinxed.

Their second ultrasound is today and they’re both a mess. Nicky had the forethought to at least schedule it later in the day knowing he’d be absolutely useless afterward. But he’s been absolutely useless all day. In fact, he’s been staring at this piece for 15 minutes doing nothing but thinking about his babies, absentmindedly cradling his belly and rubbing circles into it with his thumb. 

“Hey. You’ve been at this one for a while. You OK?” when he looks up he sees Nile staring at him like she’s trying to solve a puzzle. The table is high enough she can’t see his hand, but he still removes it immediately. 

“Oh, I’m OK. Just distracted today.” 

“Anything in particular?” 

“No, just… distracted.”  _ Fuck that’s suspicious.  _ Nile seems to think so too as she narrows her eyes. 

“OK.” She’s obviously not buying it, but she leaves him to it all the same. 

Nicky tries to focus better the rest of the day. Tries. But even Andy is keeping an eye on him and he fumbles harder with his words knowing he’s being watched. It’s a relief when he gets to leave for the day, getting away from prying eyes and the confines of his too-warm cardigan. They’re the least obvious thing he can wear to cover his growing belly, but with the increasing heat of June he’s struggling and he feels sweaty all the fucking time. 

Joe’s already parked and waiting for him when Nicky gets there and Nicky can’t help but smile imagining how he probably booked it out of school. His husband’s eyes are warm and comforting as they meet and link hands. Once they’re checked in and seated, Nicky realizes they’re in a room full of what appear to be cis-hetero couples and he tries to pretend he isn’t uncomfortable. Then Joe wraps his arm around Nicky’s shoulders, and he remembers he’s safe. It’s not the first time that day he misses his anxiety meds.

“I think Nile might have figured it out.” Nicky rests his head on Joe’s shoulder and closes his eyes. Joe lays his own on Nicky’s and sighs happily. 

“She notices everything. I’m surprised it’s taken her this long,” he laughs. It’s almost like a reflex for Joe now as rests his hand on Nicky’s belly. “I’m nervous. I’m sure they’re fine, but…”

“I’ve been anxious all day,” Nicky sets his own hand on Joe’s and rubs in soft circles with his thumb. “But that’s nothing new.” Joe laughs again and pulls back just far enough to kiss Nicky’s head. 

“Nicolò?” They untangle as quickly as they can and immediately follow the nurse. Nicky finds the exams slightly less uncomfortable today but he’s grateful for how quickly his doctor is able to get them over with. She’s been astoundingly helpful through this process, doing extra research on anything relating to his pregnancy. She answered every question they had and then some and she did her best to make Nicky feel comfortable and safe. 

Their hearts pound when they enter the ultrasound room and it’s thrilling to see them again. They were still little white shapes on a screen, but they looked so different and real. When their heartbeats started filling the room it takes all of seconds for them to cry again. Nicky could watch them all day and he couldn’t help but sigh when they had to end the ultrasound. 

“They’re coming along just fine,” their doctor announces as soon as she’s in the room. Joe and Nicky smile so widely the doctor can’t help but chuckle. “You’re in for some big babies though!”

Somehow, Joe and Nicky smile even wider. 

——

Their fridge is quickly becoming a shrine to their babies. All kinds of notes and appointment reminders fill the space but, most prominently displayed are the ultrasounds. Joe and Nicky both have copies on their phones and hidden in their desks, ready to set out as soon as they announce them. 

“We’re **those** **people** now aren’t we?” Joe smirks as Nicky adjusts the pictures on the fridge.

“If you mean complete and total saps, we’ve  **been** those people since the day we met.” Nicky laughs. 

“You’re the one who said it was destiny!” 

“And I still believe it.” Nicky says as he kisses Joe. They settle on the couch that night, their hands resting comfortably on Nicky’s belly, ignoring whatever is on the tv. 

——

“I don’t think we can keep this a secret anymore,” Joe presses a kiss into Nicky’s shoulders, rubbing his hands up and down Nicky’s arms. Nicky’s been standing in front of their mirror for almost 5 minutes adjusting his shirt nervously, trying to find a way to camouflage his belly. His clothes just keep shrinking and he’s failing to fully hide his growing bump. Joe’s right of course. Nicky was already pushing it as it was. He’d hoped because he was so tall a belly would be less obvious or maybe smaller but his height didn’t seem to matter to their babies. They seemed to be growing both up  **and** out. “We could tell them tonight if you’re ready.”

“Are you?”

“I’m ready to shout it from the rooftops.” Joe laughs, wrapping his arms around Nicky’s waist, pressing their cheeks together. 

“Yeah?” Anxiety rises in his chest. He knows that telling his friends will go well and everyone will be ecstatic, but he’s still so nervous. He wasn’t sure he was ready for the amount of attention he’d receive, too. There was little Nicky hated more than being the center of attention. Their wedding had nearly done him in. Nicky was happy and content being the center of Joe’s attention and that was it. But they’d have to tell everyone at some point and tonight wasn’t anyone’s birthday. “Yeah.”

“They’re all going to be so happy.” Nicky nods and leans back into Joe. 

**_“It’s the attention.”_ **

**_“Let me know if it gets to be too much._ ** ” Nicky smiles back, knowing that Joe will know before he even has to say it. 

The pair finish getting dressed and Nicky decides not to hide his belly and wears a light blue t-shirt that used to be looser. It was so hot out he needs to dress as light as possible, and if they’re telling everyone tonight he doesn’t need to hide. Anxiety still rises in his chest as they head to meet their friends for dinner. It would be everyone too. Quynh, Andy, Booker, Rochelle, and Nile. That meant a lot of attention and a lot of fawning. It makes his heart rate jump.

Joe keeps his hand in Nicky’s, holding him close as they enter the restaurant. Nicky pauses and is suddenly very aware of his belly as they walk into the crowded space. He feels Joe squeeze his hand and Nicky squeezes back before finally moving again. They’re the last to arrive and Nicky feels everyone’s eyes as he takes his seat. He just smiles, already feeling nauseous. 

“How are you two?” Nile asks pointedly. Nicky and he make eye contact and he smirks. She smirks back. 

“Great!” Joe says with a huge smile. 

“Are you feeling any better Nicky?” Rochelle asks. She and Booker have three amazing sons and Nicky knows Joe and he will be relying on them for advice. 

“Yes and no,” Nicky laughs, a blush already rising in his cheeks. “I’m still tired and nauseous all the time.”

“Did your doctor figure out what was wrong?” 

“Yeah…” Nicky swallows and looks to Joe for help suddenly unable to speak. 

“He’s pregnant.” Joe beams. Nicky smiles and takes his hand, forgetting about the rest of the table. Until the whole table erupts. 

A Chorus of What's and Oh my Gods break out and Nicky can’t help but laugh. The rest of the dinner is focused on Nicky mostly and he has to remind them a few times that he doesn’t like attention. 

“Not to be rude but holy shit you were not subtle.” Nile jokes at one point. 

“When did you figure it out?” Nicky laughs. 

“The biggest clue was the coffee, but it was the big cardigans in June for me.” 

“I thought I was going to die of heatstroke. They’re so small and I’m already constantly hot.”

“How far along are you?” Booker asks with a big smile. 

“About 13 weeks.” Rochelle stares at his belly for a moment. 

“Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you look so big already! They must be a big baby!”  _ Oh yeah…  _ Joe smiles wider as he rubs Nicky’s shoulders. 

“They’re both big.” Nicky chuckles and then there’s another chorus of Whats and Oh my Gods and Joe and Nicky just laugh. 

His dislike for attention is immediately forgotten by his friends, but tonight Nicky handles it well, the anxiety over telling their friends gone. He’s present and excited and happy. 

The car ride home was painfully long, but they’re immediately on each other as soon as they get in the door. Joe presses kisses up and down Nicky’s neck while working at Nicky’s jeans. Nicky starts pulling at Joe’s shirt and moans at his kisses. They pull apart and remove their shirts quickly, tossing them aside. They can’t keep their hands off each other as they back up towards the couch. The apartment wasn’t huge, but the walk to their bed seemed insurmountable at the moment. 

With skill and even some grace, they undress, and then Nicky pushes Joe back onto the couch and drops to his knees. He makes quick work of removing Joe’s boxer briefs and then takes Joe’s cock his hand. He’s already half-hard, but Nicky is feeling desperate and needy. Joe moans as he grips the back of Nicky's head. One of Nicky’s favorite things about this part is Joe’s eyes while he takes Joe in his mouth. 

**_“Fuck, Nicolò. You’re so beautiful!”_ ** He smiles around the head of Joe’s cock as he works his husband hard. Each one of Joe’s gasps and moans make Nicky more and more hungry, the familiar heat building between his legs. The muscles of Joe’s stomach spasm and Joe grips the couch, trying not to buck into Nicky. He works Joe as long as he can stand until he’s too hungry and he needs to feel him. When he pulls away Joe is immediately pulling him up, kissing every bit of Nicky’s exposed skin that he can. Nicky pants as he straddles Joe and guides him in. 

**_“Yusuf yes!”_ ** they start slowly and Nicky moans as Joe gently bites at his collarbone. Nicky is so sensitive now. He feels everything even more whether it’s the texture of fabric or the sensation of Joe digging his fingers into his back. It gives him goosebumps and it’s the one part of pregnancy he knows he’ll miss. 

Nicky pulls Joe’s head back gently and kisses along the flushed skin of Joe’s neck, rolling his hips, greedy for more. Joe’s hands grip his thighs and Nicky feels each finger in his skin and moans, ready for every mark Joe leaves on him. 

**_“You’re so beautiful, Nicolò,”_ ** Joe pants raising his head again and pressing his face into Nicky’s neck. His own thrusts are becoming erratic and deeper and Nicky can tell he’s barely hanging on.  **_“Ah! Nicolò!”_ **

**_“Yusuf!”_ ** He feels Joe’s kiss on his neck and a shiver runs up his spine. The heat in his belly grows warmer and more intense.  **_“I’m- Yusuf! Ah!”_ ** is all he manages as Joe’s hands travel up his sides to his chest. Joe’s thumbs massage at his sensitive nipples, making him moan so deep he thinks Joe must feel it in his cock. His own fingers grip Joe’s shoulders so tightly he thinks may have bruised him. The only time he likes his chest is at Joe’s touch.

**_“Nicolò…”_ ** Joe moans. Nicky loves to see his husband like this; needy and hungry, hands exploring every inch of his body. It’s like he’s insatiable. Joe bites gently along Nicky’s collar bone and he can’t hold back any longer. 

**_“Ah! Yusuf!”_ ** His breath catches in his throat as his back arches. The pleasure radiates outward, rolling through his body from his belly and he presses close to Joe. He feels Joe’s hold tighten and he looks down to see him cum. He gasps several times, pulling Nicky as close as possible and pressing his face into Nicky’s chest. 

Eventually Nicky can breathe and he releases his grip on Joe’s shoulders and slides his hands up to cradle Joe’s face. 

**_“Grazie, amore. Grazie. Ti amo. Ti amo.”_ ** He pants between kisses to Joe’s crown. Joe shivers in the aftershocks and gently kisses along Nicky’s chest and up to his neck. It’s rare that this happens, but Joe can’t speak, the words thoroughly fucked out of him this time. Nicky slowly pulls back enough to look into Joe’s eyes. Nicky’s breath catches again as he does, overwhelmed by how beautiful his husband is, how warm and comforting and stunning he is. Joe smiles at him like he’s the moon and he brings their foreheads together.

Somehow they manage to lay down on the couch, Joe against Nicky’s chest. Joe’s hand comes to rest on Nicky’s small belly. They’ll get up and clean up soon, but right now they’re breathless and grateful, all anxieties and fears are forgotten as they hold each other.


	8. 15 Weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Booker's birthday and Nicky just prays his stomach will behave.

It’s still weird and scary to not hide his belly anymore when he leaves their home. He’s big enough to notice but not so big he feels like a spectacle yet. It’s not that he wants to hide it. They’re excited and grateful and beyond happy but he still feels strange this exposed. Nicky tries not to think about it as he evaluates the wine in the grocery store. His brain is so foggy and all the labels look the same right now making him thoroughly annoyed. 

“I think he liked that one last time.” Joe gestures towards a familiar bottle and Nicky sighs in relief. He’s surprised he could even get dressed today. 

“Grazie, tesoro. I couldn’t remember.” He hands the bottle to Joe as they head to the checkout line, ready to get out of the grocery store. He hates grocery stores. 

“You sure you’re up for tonight?” Joe asks. He’s been asking that question about whatever they do all the time for the past 6 weeks. Nicky appreciates how Joe checks in on him and how attentive he is but he’s getting tired of that question.

“I’m perfectly fine,” Nicky smiles and tries to remind himself that it’s not a lack of trust and Joe is just trying to make sure they’re OK. “Besides, we’re just going to their house. Much easier than a restaurant.”

Joe smiles at him and takes Nicky’s hand. The cashier is a young girl who looks tired and bored. When she sees them she gives them a small smile and then has a moment of confusion when she sees Nicky’s belly. She doesn’t say anything and smiles at them as she checks them out, but she keeps glancing at Nicky’s belly the whole time and he feels very exposed. 

——

They’re the last to arrive and Nicky tries to clear as much fog from his brain as he can. After doing research on “pregnancy brain”, he was relieved to find that he wasn’t actually losing his mind. He’d been having trouble finding the right words or remembering where his keys were or even where the cat food was. He was still able to drive and do his job, but it was infuriating.

“Let me know if you need to leave, OK?” Joe places a gentle hand on Nicky’s lower back as they walk up to the front door. All Nicky can do is give him a fond smile and nod.

“Joe! Nicky!” Rochelle greets them as she opens the door and ushers them in. Nicky loves Booker and Rochelle’s home. It’s warm and inviting and comforting. Pictures hang in the entryway showing the progression of their family, the trips they’ve been on, their friends. Nicky loves it all and is suddenly wishing they’d looked at houses. “Come in, it’s too hot out.” They’ve barely hugged her when Marcel, their middle son, comes around the corner and wraps his arms around Joe’s legs.

“Uncle Joe!” Marcel was about 5 now and growing like a weed. He loves Joe like crazy and it always makes Nicky’s heart melt. 

“Hey buddy!” Joe laughs as he picks up the smiling boy. “How are you?”

Nicky watches his husband hold Marcel and realizes he probably looks like he’s swooning. Joe is amazing with kids. He makes kids feel safe and heard and he's so, so patient. They’ve babysat for Rochelle and Booker too many times to count and they always leave exhausted but happy. 

They make their way into the living room where everyone is sitting, laughing, and talking. Jean, who’s about 8 now, is sitting on the floor at the coffee table with Nile, coloring like a fiend. He smiles at Joe and Nicky so big they can see his missing baby teeth. Nicky sits down next to Quynh and spots Léo sitting on Booker’s lap, sucking his thumb. He’s a shy 3-year-old who feels most comfortable on Booker or Rochelle’s lap, but he lights up at the sight of Nicky. Marcel loves Joe, but Léo loves Nicky. He wiggles out of his father’s lap and immediately comes over to Nicky happily.

“Uncle Nicky!” he beams, already trying to climb onto Nicky’s lap. 

“Ciao Léo!” Nicky laughs and helps the toddler up. 

“I think our children like our friends more than us Rochelle.” Booker laughs and Rochelle smiles fondly as she sits next to her husband. Nicky can’t help but laugh too as Léo hugs him. When he starts to sit, Léo seems to pause as he notices Nicky’s belly. 

“What is it, Léo?” Nicky asks as he wraps his arm around the boy’s waist. Joe sits down next to Nicky and sets Marcel down who is already looking over at his little brother in curiosity. Nicky can’t help but feel a blush rising at the attention, but he doesn’t shy away. Kids are just curious and he would never discourage that.

“What’s that?” Léo asks, pointing at Nicky’s belly. There’s a few chuckles from the room as Marcel comes over to see. Jean pops his head up too.

“That’s my belly, little one. I’m pregnant.”

“What’s pregnant?” Marcel asks. It’s so cute Nicky can’t help but smile. 

“I’m having babies.” Léo and Marcel look at the bump even harder as if trying to see the babies. Nicky laughs a little bit at how sweet they are. They ask a few more questions, confused by the whole process of having babies. Only Jean remembers when Rochelle was pregnant but he was so young and none of it had made any sense.

“I thought only girls had babies.” Jean says eventually. Nicky can see Booker and Rochelle cringe at their son’s words, but Nicky isn’t embarrassed or upset. They’re just curious and confused.

“Some men can too.” He says gently and he feels Joe rub his shoulders. 

“Whoa!” Marcel says in awe and there’s another round of laughs. The boys seem satisfied with their answers and Marcel and Jean decide to play outside, dragging Nile with them. Rochelle and Booker still look apologetic but Nicky can only smile. 

“I’m sorry Nicky.” Booker says once the older boys are outside.

“There’s nothing to apologize for, but thank you. They’re just curious.” He smiles as Léo leans into his chest. 

Rochelle and Booker smile in relief and the night carries on. It’s fun and relaxing and Nicky is beyond happy to sit and hold Léo for as long as Léo wants.

——

“You don’t have to hold him if you don’t want to.” Booker says eventually. They’ve moved outside now, the heat finally settling enough for Nicky to be able to handle and Nicky, Rochelle, Booker, and Quynh are sitting around an unlit fire pit.

“I’m happy to hold him.” he responds happily. Léo smiles up at him and Nicky can feel his heart melt. He’s on another level of sappy tonight and he’s just grateful it isn’t tears.

“It’s good practice I guess,” Booker smiles and gently elbows Nicky. Nicky laughs and watches Joe play soccer with Nile, Andy, and the older boys. His heart melts all over again. “When the boys were born I think I only put them down when I had to or when Rochelle held them. They were so little I was too scared to leave them alone. I think I spoiled this one too much.”

Nicky smiles as Booker reaches over and tickles Léo’s leg causing the boy to laugh in delight. 

“Something tells me Joe and I will be the same way.” The group laughs, knowing they will 100% be the same way. There’s a brief pause in the conversation and Quynh gets up to get another glass of wine.

“If you guys need anything let us know. It was scary at first, not knowing what we were doing.” Léo begins to wiggle and Nicky lets him down. They smile as the toddler runs off to chase a firefly. When Nicky glances at Rochelle and Booker, their gazes are so tender and loving that he looks away, feeling like he’s intruding. 

“Thank you both,” Nicky says looking over at Joe, his hand coming to rest on his belly. “We’re going to need all the help we can get.”

“You say that as if you aren’t the most stubborn man alive.” Rochelle teases leaning back in her seat. Nicky rolls his eyes but smiles all the same. 

——

Nicky had been lucky tonight, only using the bathroom for its intended purpose. So when they’re sitting around the now lit fire pit and his stomach flips he’s annoyed and surprised as he quickly, but carefully detangles himself from Joe and Jean’s holds. The boys all stare at their uncle in confusion as he rushes into the house and straight to the first-floor bathroom. 

Yes, his nausea is better, but he can’t get it to go away completely. And he’s frustrated; Puking in your friends’ house isn’t exactly the etiquette he likes to have. 

“Nicky? You OK?” he hears Joe knock on the door and fumbles to unlock it quickly, trying not to puke on the floor. As quickly and carefully as he can, Joe slips in and kneels next to Nicky, rubbing at his shoulders. Finally Nicky is able to sit back and leans against the wall facing Joe. His skin is sweaty and he feels so uncomfortable.

“I’m going to get you some water. Be right back.” Nicky nods and Joe slips out of the bathroom. The room is shifting and he closes his eyes to try and steady himself. When the door opens again he’s surprised by a small voice.

“Uncle Nicky?” he opens his eyes to see Jean looking at him, very worried. “Are you OK?” 

“I’m OK, Jean. Just felt a bit sick.” 

“Why?” Joe walks up behind Jean and smiles at Nicky. 

“Sometimes when people have babies they get sick.” Jean moves out of Joe’s way but keeps his attention on Nicky, still concerned. 

“Are you sure you’re OK?” Nicky smiles and nods. 

“I’m sure. Thank you,” Jean nods and carefully closes the door behind him. “These boys are too sweet.”

“Yeah, they’ve set the bar pretty high.” Joe chuckles as he sets a hand on Nicky’s belly. Nicky smiles and sets his own on top of Joe’s. 

Eventually Nicky is able to straighten himself up enough to rejoin the group. He still feels gross but is just happy to be back with his friends. When they sit, Nicky leans into Joe who wraps an arm around his shoulders. Léo immediately tries to join them and Nicky happily picks up the toddler and adjusts him in his lap. 

“You OK?” Quynh asks. Jean is leaning against her side, tucked between her and Andy happily, already half asleep. Nicky nods with a smile as Léo lays his head on his chest. 

Slowly Nicky finds himself falling asleep against Joe’s side, whose arm is wrapped securely around Nicky and Léo. He feels so safe in Joe’s hold around a fire with his closest friends that he can’t really help but start dozing. 

He may have been fully asleep when Joe starts to nudge him.

“Hey hayati,” Nicky pops his head up and blinks. The group is beginning to stand up and Nicky realizes it’s time to go. “Let’s head home and get you to bed.”

“Yeah. Sorry I fell asleep.” he yawns, carefully adjusting Léo so that Rochelle can pick him up without waking him. Nicky’s arms feel too light now. He’d been holding Léo for most of the night and now they felt too empty. 

Goodbyes are said quickly as Rochell and Booker try to herd 3 sleepy boys up to bed and then they’re back in the warm quiet of Joe’s car. 

“How ya feelin’?” Joe asks before pulling away from the curb. 

“Great.” Nicky smiles. Joe smiles back.

——

He’s brushing his teeth and just staring into the sink when he feels Joe’s arms around his waist.

“I think they’re clean, hayati.” 

“Hmm?” 

“You’ve been brushing your teeth for almost five minutes. I’m worried you’ll brush them away.”

“Oh,” he rinses and sets his brush aside, still deep in thought. “Thanks.”

**_“Where’d you go?”_ ** Nicky faces Joe and leans against the counter. He can’t help but smile at his husband and wonder how he got so lucky. 

“It was nice holding the boys tonight. I’m just…” his words fumble in his head and he tries to find a word for what he’s feeling. Nicky rests his hands on Joe’s hips as he thinks. “Excited?”

Excited didn’t quite cover it. When he thinks about holding his babies and watching them grow and learn and ask questions and smile it fills his chest with happiness and fear and love and hope and comfort.

Joe smiles knowing Nicky means more; that he’s feeling more, and cradles his husband’s face. 

“Me too.” he says simply and Nicky knows he means more and kisses Joe. 


	9. 16 Weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything hurts and baby showers are terrifying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild mentions of past transphobia, no slurs or actual scenes though.

His ring fucking hurts. Well, not technically his ring, but his fingers are so swollen and it was making his ring dig into his skin painfully. He’s spent at least 30 minutes trying to get it off with soap and water, then another 30 trying to see if cold water would help. Now he’s sitting at his desk, hands covered in lotion as he desperately tries to get it off. 

“Hey Nicky can I ask… You OK?” Nicky sighs and sits back as Andy leans against his desk with an amused smile. It makes him frustrated. 

“My fingers are so swollen my ring hurts and I can’t get it off.” Her smile fades and he sees her go into problem-solving mode. It’s the same look Joe gets whenever Nicky struggles with anything. 

“Have you tried cold water?” 

“For 30 minutes. And soap and water. And now lotion. It won’t budge.” Nicky feels tears in his eyes that he tries to blink away quickly. The idea of crying at his desk around coworkers is not appealing especially over something like his ring. 

“What did the internet say?” 

“Soap and water or lotion. I’ve been pulling so hard I think I may break my finger.” Andy gives him a sympathetic smile. 

As the day wears on, Nicky tries to ignore the discomfort as best he can, but it seems the harder he tries, the more he notices it. 

It’s almost 5 when Andy comes back to his desk with a bag of ice and a face like she’s on a mission.

“OK, I was doing some research and I found a few places that said elevating your hand over your head with ice for 5-10 minutes might help.” Nicky feels an overwhelming rush of love and gratitude that he nearly starts crying. Again. 

So he tries it. He feels ridiculous holding his hand above his head for so long, but Andy, and eventually Nile, sit with him and they just talk. 10 minutes later, the timer goes off on Andy’s phone and he can finally set his arm down. The ring comes off immediately and he’s so relieved he does start to cry a little. 

“Grazie Andy. I was worried I was going to have to have it cut off.” 

“Any time.” 

——

“Hey babe!” Joe is already beaming when he walks in and Nicky can’t help but smile back.

“Ciao tesoro.” 

“Why is your hand all red?” Nicky shouldn’t be surprised that Joe notices all the small changes that happen to his body, especially right now, but he still is. 

“My fingers are swollen and it hurts to wear my ring. It was a monumental struggle to get it off.” Joe presses kisses to his swollen fingers before kissing his lips. Nicky sighs into it and lets his frustration go. 

Nicky misses the ring though. Jewelry has never really been his thing, but his wedding ring was different. It was a familiar weight and a reminder of Joe. It had been custom-made for him, engraved with the words “all and more”. Joe has waxed poetic about their love so many times, but one of Nicky’s favorites had been once when they were out with friends eating dinner in college. Some homophobic idiot had decided to bother them and Joe had responded so beautifully the man had just stood in stunned silence. _He’s all and he’s more._ It reminded him of how much Joe loved him so early in their relationship.

Nicky doesn’t need a ring to remind him how much Joe loves him; he sees it and hears it every day, but the ring was special and it hurt almost as much to take it off as it had to wear it. Joe knows how much the ring means to him too, his own carrying just as much emotional weight.

 **_“I’m sorry hayati. We should call your doctor though about the swelling.”_ ** Nicky just sighs and nods. Every new thing that happens with his body means calling his doctor. It’s better to be safe of course, but he’s getting tired of calling all the time. **_“Why don’t you sit and I’ll make dinner.”_ **

**_“I’ve been sitting all day. Let me make dinner.”_ **Joe doesn’t want him to, but he knows better than to fight Nicky on that knowing that he wants to do as much on his own that he can while he can. 

——

“No baby shower.” Nicky says for what feels like the 50th time. He’s exhausted by this conversation. Joe’s sitting on the kitchen counter while Nicky cooks. He's frustrated all over again and tries not to look at his swollen fingers. 

“Amaya and Kinza are hellbent.” 

“Tell them that I said no. I am the one carrying them, therefore I get final say.” The kitchen is quiet for a moment and he can hear Joe thinking of what to say next. 

“Why not, Nicky? It would just be our friends and family.” Joe asks gently. Nicky lets out an annoyed huff and busies himself with the pan in front of him as he shuffles words. 

“You know I don’t like attention and I don’t want…” he gets anxious at the idea of a baby shower, at all the eyes that will see him, of all the hands that will want to touch him, of all the stares. “I don’t want people gawking at me like I’m some…” he stops as he has a thought. “Do you want one?”

He sees Joe slide off the counter out of the corner of his eye and a moment later feels Joe’s arms around his waist, hands coming to rest on his belly. A gentle kiss lands on his neck and he takes a deep breath. Nicky didn’t like to be seen because he didn’t want to see people’s reactions to him. People can be cruel and violent and he just wants to avoid confrontations or people looking at him like he’s a spectacle. 

It had taken Nicky a while to let Joe see him when they started dating, both physically and emotionally. At that time he didn’t go by Nicolò yet and he was just starting to get comfortable with the idea of who he really was. He’d been shocked when Joe had not only encouraged him but helped him every step of the way. 

Not everyone had been so accepting. When he’d finally gathered the nerve to tell his parents it had gone poorly to say the least. All kinds of things had been said and Nicky couldn't speak for a week afterward. He had a good support system outside of them with Joe, Joe's family, and his sisters, but that didn’t make the words hurt any less. One word had stung deeper than any: freak. Nicky stares into the pan on the stove blinking away tears. 

“No shower then.” Joe kisses into his shoulder and Nicky sags into him with relief. 

“Thank you.”

——

“Hey! I have a question for you!” Nicky looks up from his computer to see Nile already leaning against his desk. “Where are you guys registered?” Nicky just blinks. 

“What?”

“Are you guys registered for baby stuff anywhere? For your baby shower.”

“Oh! No. We’re not having a baby shower.” Nicky tries not to sigh. The world seems dedicated to bringing up baby showers as often as possible. 

“Oh! Well are you OK with gifts?” Nicky chuckles but nods. 

“Don’t go too crazy please.” Nile gives him a mischievous smile and winks before going back to her desk. And that’s it. She lets it go. He lets out a breath and is reminded of how great his friends are. 


End file.
